FIFTY YEARS
OF POPULAR SONGS
CONDENSED INTO
SINGLE SENTENCES.
BY MARC HAYNES
- - - -

The Beatles, "I Want to Hold Your Hand"

I want to do it with you.

- - - -

Marvin Gaye, "Let's Get It On"

I want to do it with you.

- - - -

Led Zeppelin, "Whole Lotta Love"

I want to do it with you.

- - - -

James Blunt, "You're Beautiful"

I want to do it with you.

- - - -

Sir Mix-a-Lot, "Baby Got Back"

I want to do it.

- - - -

Elvis Presley, "Hound Dog"

You're doing it with everyone.

- - - -

R. Kelly, "I Believe I Can Fly"

I believe I want to do it with you.

- - - -

Patsy Cline, "Crazy"

I want to do it with you so much I'm going fucking nuts.

- - - -

Frank Sinatra, "Strangers in the Night"

I'm drunk and I want to do it with you.

- - - -

The White Stripes, "My Doorbell"

Using metaphor, I want to do it with you.

- - - -

Little Richard, "Good Golly Miss Molly"

I'm doing it with Miss Molly, and she's totally into it.

- - - -

Duran Duran, "Rio"

I'd love to do that chick dancing on the sand.

- - - -

The Beatles, "Why Don't We Do It in the Road?"

I'd like to do it with you right now.

- - - -

Carly Simon, "You're So Vain"

We used to do it, but then you did it with someone else, and now I'm not going to do it with you, although I wish we were still doing it.

- - - -

Pulp, "Common People"

I once met a stuck-up European who wanted to do it with me.

- - - -

Radiohead, "Creep"

I'm filled with self-loathing, and, though outwardly I hate everything you represent, I want to do it with you.

- - - -

Kate Bush, "Wuthering Heights"

I'm an 18th-century fictional character and I want to do it with another 18th-century fictional character.

- - - -

Bob Dylan, "Blowin' in the Wind"

The Man is currently doing it to you.

- - - -

Elvis Presley, "Jailhouse Rock"

Incarcerated men will on occasion do it with each other.

- - - -

Meat Loaf, "I Would Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That)"

Hey! You won't believe what this one chick said while I was doing it with her!

- - - -

Kings of Leon, "Sex on Fire"

I did it with you, and now it hurts when I pee.

- - - -

Céline Dion, "My Heart Will Go On"

Even your death has not stopped me wanting to do it with you.

- - - -

AC/DC, "You Shook Me All Night Long"

We did it yesterday.

- - - -

OTHER McSWEENEY'S FEATURES:

- - - -

Fifty Years of Popular Songs Condensed Into Single Sentences By Marc Haynes

Capt and Tennille, "Do That To Me One More Time"

We never did it enough

Even your death has not stopped me wanting to do it with you.

Reminds me of a bumper sticker I saw at the Hooters in Fargo, ND. It said "Necrophilia: The urge to pop a cold one"