"Hi, I'm Gregory Goohead." "And I'm Lorrie Lamebrain. You're watching In-Depth Storm Team Coverage on Channel 37 Eyewitness News! We're doomed here in paradise, so we've sent out all of our video and satellite trucks to show you the horrendous chaos that may be on the way. We've squeezed everybody into these little boxes... see? Now, let's watch them all nod in recognition, just to let you know that they can hear me and that they actually seem interested that you might actually be interested as well."

"Bob Brainfart is on Sylvan Hill... Connie Craveit is in Corallis... Debbie DumDum is in Dunthorpe... Tom Tailormade is in Troutdale... and Andee the Asian is somewhere else. Let's start with Bob Brainfart up on high ground at Sylvan. Boy, Bob, it looks like it could really start coming down any second now!"

"You're absolutely right, Gregory! All these cars cruising smoothly right now at freeway speed could be hitting the brakes and slowing down when the rain actually starts falling. We're anticipating the very, very worst. These drivers seem complacent now, but in just a few hours it's going to be Hell on Earth out here!"

"Thanks, Bob. Let's check in with Connie Craveit, womanning our mid-Valley bureau. Connie, what's the anticipation like down there?"

"Lorrie, you can cut the tension with the blade of a Leatherman here. Since we have no traffic to speak of in Corvallis, we're just waiting for a flooded underpass cuz the drains are clogged with condoms from college students."

"Great observation, Connie! Let's switch live to Dunthorpe, where our Debbie DumDum is watching how rich people cope with Mother Nature's wrath. Debbie?"

"Well, Greg, they've taken the route they usually take every monsoon season. The white folks here with the long driveways to nowhere hire itinerant hispanics to shoulder their grief."

"Thanks, Debbie. Now over to Tom Tailormade, watching the semi's idling at the Flying J. Tom, what's the latest you have for us from there?"

"Lorrie, everyone is inside playing video poker and doing meth, anticipating a long, slow drive up and over Cabbage Hill. These people can't be budged off the stool."

"Now, here's Andee, our Eyewitness News Team's new addition from our Medford station where she was paid in multi-level marketing soy products. Andee, where are you and what can you tell us?

"Lorrie, I'm next to Hooters on Interstate 5 and as you can see the cars here approaching the Interstate Bridge are stacked up like jets over O'Hare. But, after all, it is 5 o'clock."

"Thanks, Andee. And thanks to everybody on the Channel 37 Eyewitness News Team for keeping us up to the second on this evening's big storm, pounding-in toward us right now! This is going to be brutal. Next on Channel 37 Eyewitness News... our mandatory daily story involving a cuddly animal for no apparent reason... that's straight ahead. You're watching In-Depth Storm Team Coverage on Forest Grove's leader in meaningless news pablum. We'll be right back."

"May Ratings Period Underway!"???

You do know the May Sweep ended Wednesday, right?

Someone on OregonMediaInsiders.com did an excellent post on the May's sweeps, which did end earlier this week. It's under the heading PORTLAND MAY 2008 SWEEPS.

Hey, Magic... I think you missed the point. Not only is this one of the funniest parodies posted here, the fact the book ended two days prior demonstrates that even the TV news producers don't know what they're doing.

Whatever you say.