The other humor thread is pretty full so I thought I'd start a new one.

For your approval, my first submission;

Lost Grandpa

All Grandpas, Heed This Warning: Do Not Lose Your Grandkids In The Mall.

A Small Boy Was Lost At A Large Shopping Mall.
He Approached A Uniformed Policeman and Said
"I've Lost My Grandpa."
The Cop Asked, "What's He Like?"
The Little Boy Hesitated For a Moment and Then Replied;
"Crown Royal Whiskey and Women with Big Boobs."

Since you started off with a Good one about old people, i'll continue down that line of thought with:

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

The first lady said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

An old man and an old woman were sitting on the couch. The old man was reading his newspaper when the woman asked him "Can you hear me?" No answer.

The woman got up and stood behind the man. Again she asked "Can you hear me?" Still no answer.

Fed up, she walked in front of him, pushed his newspaper down and shouted directly to his face, "CAN YOU HEAR ME??" The old man's reply: "For the third time, YES!"

Signs You're Getting Older


1. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

2. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bi-focals.

3. You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.

4. Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.

5. Your children begin to look middle aged.

6. You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.

7. Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.

8. You look forward to a dull evening.

9. Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."

10. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.

11. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

12. Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.

14. You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 95 around the golf course.

15. Your back goes out more than you do.

17. Your Pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you see a pretty girl.

18. The little old gray haired lady you helped across the street is your wife.

19. You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

20. You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.

21. You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercise.

22. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

23. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

24. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

25. You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

26. You are proud of your lawn mower.

27. Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.

28. You call Olan Mills before they call you.

29. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

30. You sing along with the elevator music.

31. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

32. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

33. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

34. You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

35. You make an appointment to see the dentist.

36. You no longer think of speed limits as a challange.

37. Neighbors borrow your tools.

38. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

39. You have a dream about prunes.

40. You answer a question with, "because I said so."

41. You send money to PBS.

42. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

43. You take a metal detector to the beach.

44. You wear black socks with sandals.

45. You know what the word "equity" means.

46. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.

47. Your ears are hairier than your head.

48. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

49. You got cable for the weather channel (sometimes referred to as "Old Folks MTV").

50. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

Voted Best Joke in Ireland


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"



That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!


He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night"


She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."


"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.


The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.


The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

If you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, you should drink some Windex first.

It'll keep you from streaking.

Huh--Well I do know I am getting old. But then again--

1. Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
And then it dawned on me to wear a helmet. Also a pair of Fox Raptors aren't a bad thing to have on, either.

8. You look forward to a dull evening.
Hey, I guess it's what I get for being single.

22. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
They are too afraid to ask, for fear my answer might end up too technical, cryptic 0r 1337 4 t43|\/|......

30. You sing along with the elevator music.
That goes without saying. ;o)

32. You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
Might as well; I mean, I probably wouldn't be able to pull my folks' fifth-wheel or maybe even a bike trailer with a dinky little Prius.....

38. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
That's what I get for working the Graveyard shift lately.

41. You send money to PBS.
Golden Hours........

42. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
If this is what I think you mean then that's not so in my case. In my case maybe investing $10 in a belt may help......

46. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
But that's because I have so much junk strewn about my floor that I don't know how it's even remotely possible for anyone to lay on my floor to watch TV.........

50. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
Well, the walls around here are pretty solid and well-insulated anyways.


l8er daze. ;o)

You know you're getting old when...



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.

2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

4. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

5. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

6. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

7. When happy hour is a nap.

8. When you're on vacation and your ENERGY runs out before your money does.

9. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to You, and you always hated it.

10. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

11. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

12. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

13. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

14. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

15. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

16. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.

17. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

18. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

19. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

20. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

21. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

22. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare, I'd really rather, have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive a round in his Mercedes and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $200,000 a year.'


The guy, wide-eyed, said, 'You're bullshittin' me!'

The social worker said, 'Yeah, well... You started it.'

A man calls his wife. "I won the lottery. Sixteen million. Start packing."

"What should I pack? Where are we going?" she replies.

"I don't really care," says the man. "Just be out of the house by the time I get home."

Two Arab mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though' mum confides.

'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be
21'

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born'.

'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.

'Oh, gracious me ....' Says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.

He would be 18, she whispers.

'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school'.

He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

'They blow up so fast, don't they?'

And the winner is


drum roll

Darktemper

;0

A man was asking God "what is a 1,000,000,000 dollars for you God ?"
God replied "just a penny"

The man asked God again "what is a 1000 years for you ?"
God replied "A second"

The man said "God would you please give me a penny ?"
God replied "OK .. Just wait a second"

CORRECTION OF THE WEEK

From the Eugene (Ore.) Register-Guard.

An item about a Thursday event at Diablo's featuring four women DJs on Page 8 of Friday's edition incorrectly identified DJ KaatScratch as transgendered. She describes herself musically as "transgenred."

(The New Yorker, March 3, 2008)

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,
and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

The Lie Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.

"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan ."

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the mountains of Alaska for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.

A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" hat, and a "To Hell with Bush" T-shirt, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10 foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp, then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the third tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic Environmental Activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?"

"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom but he sure don't know anything about bear hunting! Is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"

Stink Bait is good for fishing to!

As long as we're telling offensive jokes...



What's a Jewish dilemma?




















Free ham!
(badum bum!)

(apologies to anybody offended...)

How do you keep an idiot in suspense???

You re-elect appoint him to a second term!

RETIREMENT PLANNING FOR 2008

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be
worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00
left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all
the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling, you would have
had $214.00.

So, based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-KEG Plan.

A young girl and her father are working in the garden when she sees two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those spiders doing?"

"Well honey, they are making little spiders."

"What kind of spider is that one?" the girl asks pointing to the one on top.

"That's a daddy long legs" explains the dad.

"Then is the other one a mommy long legs?" asks the girl.

"No, that one is a daddy long legs too" replied the father.

The little girl gets a quizzical look on her face, contemplates what her dad just told her, then takes her foot and smashes the spiders to smithereens.

The dad says: "Why did you do that?"

The girl replies: "We'll have none of that crap in OUR garden!!"

Who Really Loves You?


This really works...!

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.


Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!

This Is Not Funny!

Never ever say this!

When the wife asks you to take out the garbage, never say "You cooked it you take it out"!

That is unless you enjoy Hungry Man frozen dinners and no nooky for an indefinate period of time!

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store, Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about
buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses, and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3, and 4.
Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: What blue one?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty
much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of
Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping?
You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
Abbott and Costello on buying a computer


COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".

I miss Abbott and Costello, I mean a couple of guys making a lot of money and spending it on booze, women and at the track. The rest they wasted.

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "No they ain't! The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the heck would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter."I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

How do you know when you are staying in a lousy hotel?



The sheets have a 400 Crab-Count!

3 Old Grandmas

3 old mischievous Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home.

About then an old Grandpa walked by.

One of the old Grandma's yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly how old you are."

The old man said, "There ain't no way you can guess it, you old fools."

One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants & under shorts & we can tell your exact age."

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times & to jump up & down several times.

Then they all piped up & said, "You're 87 years old!"

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in the world did you guess?"

Slapping their knees & grinning from ear to ear, all 3 old ladies happily yelled in unison--


"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

Why are seagulls called seagulls? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be called bagels!

The two things I hate about getting older is that I repeat myself, and forget things. with at being said, two things I hate about getting older is that I tend to repeat myself, and........

Crap, what was I saying?

A young blond lady, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. How much will you charge me?"
The blond quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blond jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
A short time later, the blond came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked. "Yes," the blond replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blond added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."

Yes, the new one is out! Brand new edition of: "You know you're a redneck when...

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is your boss.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restroom's so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

Most people don’t know that in 1912, Hellman’s Mayonnaise (Best Foods Mayo out west here) was manufactured in England.

The Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

The people of Mexico eagerly awaited the first delivery and were very upset at the news of the sinking. So much that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today.

The Holiday is known, of course, as:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sinko de Mayo.

Man goes to visit his dear elderly father at the Happy Trails Rest Home. Low and behold, he sees a bottle of Viagra on the table next to his father's bed.

So he, utterly flummoxed, runs and asks the nurse, "Why are you people giving my poor elderly father Viagra???

And she says, "Why Mr. Soandso, don't you know? It's to keep him from rolling out of his bed at night."

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank. I just married his f#%&*ng widow.'

So there's this chartered jet filled with lawyers on the way to a Bar Association convention. But some terrorists hijack the plane and order it to land.

Once on the ground, the terrorists warn that if their demands aren't met, they'll release one lawyer per hour. . .

An old man on an extremely limited income has a legal problem. So he goes to an attorney to take care of the legal problem, which the attorney solves in about 1/2 hour.

The old man, very thankful, asks the lawyer how much does he owe? The lawyer says that will be $100. The old man dips into his wallet and hands the lawyer a $100 bill, says thank you, and leaves the lawyer's office.

After the old man left, the attorney discovered that the old man's $100 bill was actually TWO $100 bills stuck together. Now, the lawyer has a moral dilemma to deal with. . .



Should he tell his partner about this, or should he keep all the money for himself? ? ?

Lawyer: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?

Witness: Yep, that's me.

Lawyer: Were you present when that picture was taken?

What do you get when you mix prune juice with Holy water?


A Religious Movement!

THE WEDDING TEST

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. It had to be deliberate.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car!

LMAO!


This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat.

His wife said, "Where are you going?"

He said, "I'm going to the doctor."

And she said, "Why, are you sick?"

"No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater and he said, "Where are you going?"

She replied, "I'm going to the doctor too."

He asked why.

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot!"

Women who know their place

Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in
Kabul, Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted
that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

Ms. Walters recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still
walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walter's vantage point, despite
the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to
walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintai
the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you
now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately
to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eye and without hesitation
said, "Land Mines."

Just heard on CNN that the Cialis ingredients list has been released. Cialis is 2% aspirin, 2% ibuprofen, 1% filler, and 95% Fix-A-Flat.

Good Ones! I sent your last 3 to my parents!

Speaking of parents, my Mom just passed along this bit of information that could have easily come from the website of a major air carrier.

As a Courtesy to Our Passengers, we provide the following services:

• Speaking to live airline booking agent helpfulness fee: $.25 per minute (including hold time)
• Online reservation convenience fee: $5
• Courtesy luggage-cuddling fee: $15
• No-snooping-through-your-stuff guarantee: $3
• Courtesy fee for booking a window seat, middle seat, and exit-row seat, respectively: $10, $5, $15
• Seat-sharing waiver: $25
• Use of "courtesy seat" at terminal gate while waiting for plane: $.10 per minute
• Courtesy passage through enclosed ramp to plane door: $.02 per inch
• Courtesy smile from boarding-pass checker or flight attendant: $1.50 each
• Reassuring head nod from pilot or co-pilot: $2.50 each (group rate)
• Seat-back pocket rental fee: $2.00
• Motion-discomfort bag restocking fee: $5.00
• Courtesy test of flaps, rudder and landing gear: $4.75 (group rate)
• Courtesy air circulation fee: $1.50
• No-snakes-on-plane guarantee: $3 (group rate)
• Rental of light from overhead reading lamp: $0.50 per minute
• Water, coffee, tea and juice: $2 each
• Courtesy lavatory flush: $3 each
• Courtesy fee for not performing a courtesy lavatory flush: $100
• Ask flight attendant a question: $1 each
• Cone-of-silence rental (mandatory for babies and loudtalkers over 80db): $20
• Seat cushion that sinks: $2
• Seat cushion that floats: $8
• Mid-flight fuel check: $4.50 (group rate)
• Landing-at-the-right-airport guarantee: $2.50 (group rate)
• Courtesy disembarking fee: $25
• Airline CEO country club membership courtesy contribution: $6

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy god mother.

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do.

What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.


Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...










'Bet you're sorry you neutered me.'

I thought this was funny and topical:

Subject: WHO IS BARACK OBAMA?

There are many things people do not know about BARACK OBAMA. It is every American's duty to read this message and pass it along to all of their friends and loved ones.

Barack Obama wears a FLAG PIN at all times. Even in the shower.

Barack Obama says the PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE every time he sees an American flag. He also ends every sentence by saying, "WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL." Click here for video of Obama quietly mouthing the PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE in his sleep.

A tape exists of Michelle Obama saying the PLEDGE OF ALLEGIANCE at a conference on PATRIOTISM.

Every weekend, Barack and Michelle take their daughters HUNTING.

Barack Obama is a PATRIOTIC AMERICAN. He has one HAND over his HEART at all times. He occasionally switches when one arm gets tired, which is almost never because he is STRONG.

Barack Obama has the DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE tattooed on his stomach. It's upside-down, so he can read it while doing sit-ups.

There's only one artist on Barack Obama's iPod: FRANCIS SCOTT KEY.

Barack Obama is a DEVOUT CHRISTIAN. His favorite book is the BIBLE, which he has memorized. His name means HE WHO LOVES JESUS in the ancient language of Aramaic. He is PROUD that Jesus was an American.

Barack Obama goes to church every morning. He goes to church every afternoon. He goes to church every evening. He is IN CHURCH RIGHT NOW.

Barack Obama's new airplane includes a conference room, a kitchen, and a MEGACHURCH.

Barack Obama's skin is the color of AMERICAN SOIL.

Barack Obama buys AMERICAN STUFF. He owns a FORD, a BASEBALL TEAM, and a COMPUTER HE BUILT HIMSELF FROM AMERICAN PARTS. He travels mostly by FORKLIFT.

Barack Obama says that Americans cling to GUNS and RELIGION because they are AWESOME.

Subject: Who is John McCain?

see "George W Bush.

'YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF...'
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes or a toothbrush.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
5. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
6. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your pocket.

7. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
8. You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own five or six.

10. You bathe monthly, whether you need it or not.
11. You've had a crush on your neighbor's goat

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, 'Listen up, Buddy. I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.'

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, ''No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?'

In honor of the Olympics!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EO_BnsrWMnI

A little boy goes up to his dad and asks,
"Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replies. . .
"Well, son, you must of got it from your mother, 'cause I still
have all of mine."

From Steve Martin:

This lawn supervisor was out on a sprinkler maintenance job and he started working on a Findlay sprinkler head with a Langstrom 7" gangly wrench.

Just then, this little apprentice leaned over and said, "You can't work on a Findlay sprinkler head with a Langstrom 7" wrench."

Well this infuriated the supervisor, so he went and got Volume 14 of the Kinsley manual, and he reads to him and says, "The Langstrom 7" wrench can be used with the Findlay sprocket."

Just then, the little apprentice leaned over and said, "It says sprocket not socket!"

A father is in church with three of his young children, including his
five year old daughter.
As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children
could properly witness the service.
During this particular service, the minister was performing the
baptism of a tiny infant. The little five year old girl was taken by this,
observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the
infant's head.
With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father
and asked with all the innocence of a five year old. . .
"Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"

Carstianity
"Haul a Yugo. Haul a Yugo."

Gearly beloved, we are Blazered here in the name of our Four-door, who art in Half-ton.

I'm speaking of our lord and Mazda, Jeep-sus Chrysler.

He is the Alfa and the Romeo.

He was born in a Ranger, he was Tempo'd by the DeVille, and he Daihatsu'd for your Sentras.

He said, "Dodge not, that ye not be Dodged.

Thou shalt not Corvette thy neighbor's Whitewall, but turn the other Cherokee.

If ye have Fiat, ye can move Montecarlos.

He ain't Chevy, he's my Beretta."

He ate the Last Supra, and he climbed the mount of Cavalier, where they Cruise-controlled him on the Motocross.

But God, in his Infiniti Mercedes, did Rolls away the Stanza.

Let us Prelude: Sayeth the prophet Isuzu, in the Dusenburg Bible, In the 23rd Saab, "The Ford is my Chauffeur. I shall not Walk.

He Lexus me in the paths of Right-turn-signals.

Yea, though I walk through the Valet of the Shadow of Dart, I shall Fiero no Eagle.

Subaru Goo dwrench and Mercury shall Volvo me Audi Daytonas of my life, and I shall Dwellmeter house of Delorean, Four-cylinder."

Gloria, In Ex-Celica Geo!

Seventeenth Chapter
A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."

About half the class rose and came forward.

"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."

It's fall orientation at a small private college. The Headmaster goes over to the men's dormitory to explain the rules:

"Men, you can't bring women into the men's dormitory. The first time I catch you with a women in the men's dormitory, I'll fine you $25. The second time I catch you, I'll fine you $100. And if you're caught a third time sneaking a woman into the men's dormitory, the fine is $500."

Then a freshman in the front row raised his hand and asked the Headmaster a question:

"How much do you charge for a season pass?"

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human Beings, are the only animals that stutter", she said.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", She volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went "Fffff, Fffff, ffff"...And before he could say 'Fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!"

The teacher wet her pants laughing.......

I like this one!

Skybill, perpetual sick cat hater with a perverted sense of humor.

Nothing funny here.

Well ok, I didn't think about that part

I like cats a lot, and just was focused on the word / sound play of the thing.

My ex-boss sent me that joke.

I thought it was funny. Nothing perverted about it. Missing got it.

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."

"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.

"Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Are you religious?"

He said: "Yes."

I said: "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

"Christian."

"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

"Baptist."

"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"

"Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

"Reformed Baptist Church of God."

"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"

He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."

I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier
discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."