Hold this space.

I'm cooking for the family. ( Who are sleeping ). I'll come back to this in a bit.

For many reasons, I do not anticipate my wife and I birthing another child. I'm not gong to go into that now. But we have one and we are very fortunate. So all is good on that front.

But sometimes I feel a pull to pursue adoption. I have to say though, there are things about that that scare the living hell out of me. It's complex and whenever I try and articulate how and why I feel the way I do, I really fumble around in explaining the intangible fears I have. It's not about the process ( although you can't tell me that you wouldn't be crushed if you got SO close and then had the rug pulled out from uder you with a big " Uhhh, no. We have changed our mind. You can't adopt today after all." )

I want to talk about motivation for adoption. I want to get a feel for whether or not my motivations are good enough reasons.

Pregnancy freaked me out pretty good. I, inside - not outwardly - was terrified for a long alphabetical list of reasons. IN fact, when I think about adoption of a child, I feel like I have even MORE fears. LESS control.

For those of you that have some experience with it, what motivated you to move forward on it?

And hey, this can be a super personal thing. I won't press very hard at all. I promise. Maybe even some literature on the subject that you can direct me to could keep you as attached as you are willing to be to this conversation.

It's just on my mind and for some reason, I associate some topics of discussion with the sampling that is available here. It's a unique cross-section.

"For those of you that have some experience with it, what motivated you to move forward on it?"

Great topic.

I'd say the thought of giving a kid a shot at a better life did it for me. Adoption also fits very well with my pro-life views. And believe it or not, it isn't difficult for me to think way back when I was a little kid, and understand how important a solid family is to every child.

And as far as being scary, I agree and would place the responsibility of a child up there on a level with marriage. Funny thing is, once you go through either one or both, you have a hard time imagining life any other way.

Herb

"I'd say the thought of giving a kid a shot at a better life did it for me."

So, ahem - and I mean this with all sincerity - wanting to rescue a kid ( and feeling good about the ensuing environment they would be in - my home ) is natural?

It's like, I have my own reasons too, but not wanting to play into what could be construed as a flaw, is something that I wonder about.

Your parents and my parents all wanted you and me to have a better life than they did.

Fact is, many if not most kids who are adopted come from a difficult circumstance...or they wouldn't be up for adoption.

I can't speak for the motive of others, but having mercy and wishing to provide a better life for a child is not a bad thing.

Herb

Yeah. Maybe I'm being overly cautious about certain things like that.

Darned hand-wringing.

Thanks for talking about it a bit though.

Well CJ, hope you are still up. (probably are)

I agree with Herb. Scary stuff, but once you are down the path, it's very difficult to imagine life being any different.

My wife and I adopted 4 (freaking 4!) foster kids. For us, having a child naturally was going to be a very high risk and expensive affair. We did foster care, initially to just help kids in need.

Both of us are very "give something back" kind of people. Also, both of us had some very rough stuff happen to us as kids. The kind of rough stuff that grows one up a little too fast.

For us, adoption ended up being an option with some of the foster kids ending up bonding, and being in a situation where it was clear they were not going to end up with a family.

Coupla things I can share:

-you will end up loving the kid you raise. There is no way around this. It's a human thing, so don't worry about it not happening, because it just will.

-I highly recommend the adoptive foster parent route. There are lots of kids in the system, who need parents and are not going to get them.

Adopt younger ones, if you do this. We adopted 14 months (can't tell the difference between him and a natural child), three (she asked if she could stay and was our first! Also can't tell, other than we do have the occasional discussion about her wanting to eventually track down her real mom, for closure.) Age 5 (he was black, had to fight for him, but he was a half-brother to my youngest) We have regular contact with his (loser, but well meaning) birth father. It's a good thing, but that took some work. Age 7. (she never really quite became a member of the family, on the level you would expect of a natural child.)

-you are going to have to work through some issues, unless you adopt a very young child. Even then, there will be some stuff to work through. We've met, you will be fine in this regard.

-if you do the foster care thing, be prepared to deal with what means to be a system for handling kids, but really is a mess. There are lots of good people, but also just lots of problems.

-if you choose to adopt older kids (past toddlers), they will come with some baggage that is going to need some sorting out. In my case, the three older ones took a lot of work!

We've discussed and worked through *everything*. It took considerable personal strength to do this, but the reward is really great. I see four kids, one out of the house now, doing well and being generally solid people, most leaders to their peers.

My wife and I did that, and we are proud of it. This feeling is hard to describe. It's bitter sweet. Bitter because it took the work and dealing with some significant pain. Sweet because not only are we a family, but we all wanted to be a family and that holds us together in ways not always seen in natural ones.

Every one of my kids has had it really rough. All but the youngest one has had to work hard at letting that go, learning the good stuff that comes from it, then moving on to just be kids --but the kind of kids where things are real most of the time.

-if you adopt a different race, stupid or ignorant people will say stuff and you have to mostly deal. On the plus side, you get to get into and understand some culture stuff you would not otherwise be a part of.

My oldest son is black. A lot comes with being black, despite what people may say. He's very strong and very black and that's very cool. It took some selfless learning and exposing my self to some stuff I could easily ignore to get there however. Was worth it, but one has to be ready for the whole experience.

-Your family may or may not reach full acceptance. On my side, there are issues. On my wifes side, there are none. This may not be resolvable --again, you will just deal.

-A regular adoption is not cheap, but does not come with baggage.

-An open adoption means integrating some of the kids family into your own. This can be good (my oldest sons father is a loser, knows it and does the right thing, meaning we are the family and he is somebody that cares about my son and is supportive within his limits.)

It can be bad, as in having to cut losers out of your life, sever ties, go to court, do what it takes to free the child from somebody doing a lot of harm, not capable, or looking to leverage your relationship for their gain.

Oregon has a process for this that involves one getting certified to be a foster parent. They do classes, evaluate you, etc... (no real biggie, just tedious at first) The kids all have attorneys that work for them, meaning you have to do your best, or you could get into some trouble.

(that's an issue with older kids, who will discover this and try to leverage this. My oldest tried to extort me, for those things she felt she was entitled to. That really sucked, I'm still angry about it, but I dealt with it. She is fine now, learned her lesson, but it was not easy.)

From there you take in kids and care for them. Sometimes it's a week, sometimes it's six months. Longer times are harder because you will bond. My wife and I had some trouble with this.

We got counseling assistance and it was handled.

(many of the kids we helped, come to see us, from time to time. It's cool to know we mattered.)

Eventually, you will end up with kids in your home that have no alternatives. Adoption is an option and the State will work with you on this. Not a short process. Takes about a year, during which time, there are some court issues that consume time and energy.

We did it because we fell in love with our youngest son and daughter. She actually came to me one day and asked if we could be her mom and dad. I could not say no, so it started...

I'm not sure we would have just gone out and adopted. Maybe we would have, maybe not. We did want to help and give something back, but in our case, it ended up being more in a natural human way. This was good. I'm not sure I would have been able to handle what I had to handle, if it had been just for wanting to help and give back, etc...

Being a parent really is a big deal. It needs to be real and that means there has to be something there that bonds, beyond some goal, need, or other similar thing.

If you do it, do it because you have some simple, elementary human need to do it, or it could be not such a good thing.

One other thing... I've learned a ton from my kids. Dealing with all their stuff more or less meant having my own house in order. There are few secrets in our family. The level of communication required to get it all running right, simply puts that off the table.

Would not trade that for anything. Too many great conversations, fun activities, experiences, etc...

The biggest thing I learned was that one cannot mentor up another person without having ones own self solid and strong. That does not mean having the right house, money, car, but ones own self. The core cannot be rotten, tainted, angry, etc...

If one has a kid, and this is the case, then it's just something that has to be worked through. If one adopts, and this is the case, it's really a bad choice and that has very serious longer term implications.

Don't mean to scare you off, but that last point is VERY IMPORTANT. It's perhaps the most important.

On the attorneys... I thought I would add, this is only in place while they are wards of the state. Once the adoption is complete, they are your kids, you are the parent and all is as it should be.

Didn't want you to get the idea there is somebody watching over the whole thing for a lot of years. That's not the case at all.