Although we all like it when listeners come across this message board, post tons of "suggestions," and either get irritated and go away or stick around perpetually, I came across this on another radio message board several years ago. This used to be online, but I now get a "404 error" when I try to access the page (sbrcreative.com/ThinkTank/TTArchive.html). Thanks to online Internet caches, I found it...

Once again, the question is if this describes most non-radio people (and listeners) that post here.

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quote:

For those of us who can't afford call out testing, perceptual studies and focus groups, anecdotal evidence is often the research tool of choice. It comes in various forms, but mostly in calls, emails, letters and at station appearances. Low research budgets love it because it is free and worth every penny.
At WRNX, we use the 180 rule when considering anecdotal evidence: whatever the anecdotal evidence suggests, the exact opposite is a safer bet.

We needed a name for all those callers, letter writers and emailers who are passionate about our station. The ones who curse you, plead with you, implore you to play more of X and to stop playing Y.

We settled on the name S.P.E.R.M., short for Self Proclaimed Experts on Radio and Music.

SPERM are not P1's. Their only loyalty is to their cause. Damned if we know what that cause is, but they sure are loyal to it.

P1's should be listened to, at least guardedly. And P1's deserve our special attention, and service. Thanks to email and the internet, we can do this better than ever.

SPERM, on the other hand, should be left alone. Just like the crazy guy in the subway who is making ape noises to get someone to look at him, avert your gaze, pretend he's not there, and sooner or later the doors will open and either you, or he can get out.

How can you tell the difference between a SPERM and a P1?

Here are seven identifying criteria:

1. SPERM won't give you their name. They leave voice mails that end in a rude slamming of the phone, they don't sign their name to letters, and their email address is something like narcissus@jaded.com, with no reply possible. They want to be heard, not seen..

2. SPERM are angry. Pay close attention to their tone. They never start off by saying "I love your radio station, but..." They start with statements like "Tell that idiot on the weekends that Marah is from Philadelphia, not New Jersey. What kind of moron is he anyway?"

3. SPERM exaggerate to an extreme. We received an email asking us to stop playing the same three Van Morrison songs over and over and to go deeper into the artist. I looked Van up to find that we actually play 21 Van Morrison songs, but couldn't respond because, as stated in rule Number 1, they don't leave their name.

4. SPERM know too much about the music. They need a life, a set of match box trains, a daily volunteer stint at a soup kitchen... anything to keep them from contacting us to tell us that the second drummer for the Allman Brothers band was the second cousin of the bass player for Jefferson Airplane, not Jefferson Starship. Please. Did you like the song?

5. SPERM will compare you to an inferior competitor. They will often say "at WXXX they play seventy five minutes of commercial free music every hour, unlike you guys." You'd like to remind them that WXXX does that because they haven't sold an ad in six weeks, is broadcasting out of someone's garage, has three listeners, and there are only 60 minutes in an hour, even at WXXX. But, again, he didn't leave his name. He's a SPERM . . . what did you expect?

6. SPERM cite broad support for their position. They will often say that all of their friends, co-workers, family, cult brothers, etc. agree with them, and they are actually writing on their behalf, so you better listen closely. It's an effort to increase their level of clout. Disguising their Spermdom, if you will. We put as much credence into this "fact by association" as we do any news story citing "sources close to the matter."

7. SPERM won't thank you. Even if you tried to make them happy, you couldn't. The pleasure is in the pain for SPERM. They don't want you to build a better radio station, because they don't know one when they hear it. Follow the instructions for the subway kook above.

Now, let's see if this makes any sense at all. Below are two actual emails that were sent to WRNX. One is from a SPERM, and one is from a P1. Can you tell which is which?

Email Number 1:

"Hello WRNX! I recently moved to Springfield from San Francisco, and of the things I thought I'd miss about The City was my favorite radio station, KFOG. I was pleasantly surprised to find RNX. I love the songs you play and your radio personalities have a cool, upbeat attitude. You are as good KFOG, and be assured that a Registered Foghead is telling you that.
Cheers,
Melissa

Email Number 2:

A few suggestions to make your radio station better:
1. First we listen at work all day, stop playing the new songs over and over and over. Go deeper into the albums and play more classic albums going deeper into them also.
2. Tell your DJ's to shut up, and to stop the commentary. They all sound like a bunch of idiots, including Dave. Play more music. My coworkers and I agree on this, so take it to heart.
Regards,
Superwarp

If you guessed that the first email was from a P1 and the second from a SPERM, congratulations. If, on the other hand, you thought the opposite, I guess I had better go back to copywriting school, because my message wasn't clear and my offer wasn't good enough. And if you see Superwarp, tell him to shut up... he's an idiot.

By Tom Davis Program Director, WRNX/Springfield, MA for Radio & Records

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That's just plain spectacular! Congratulations to Mr. Davis and thanks, Newflyer for posting it!

Totally spot on.

Exactly!

Believe it or not, I actually got a call this past Sunday morning from an elderly listener, complaining about the sound quality of the church service she wanted to listen to. (The phone line wasn't working, so I used the quite substandard Marti feed) Wouldn't give her name, didn't want to hear that there were technical difficulties and that we were trying to correct them, just wanted to tell me how disgusting it was. (At that point, I terminated the call) Not surprisingly, when the phone feed was fixed, she didn't call back.

Of course not...Jesus fixed it for her!

you radio people would have more listeners if you would only play the songs that people want to hear and tell people what they want to know, and stop with those commercials. I listened once and heard a song that I did not like followed by a commercial. Do you have any good records? Why don't you give everyone a prize when they call? That would make them listen more. Please use my ideas and everyone will listen.

sincerely,

eyepodz4evar@hotyahoo.comorggov

This same kind of listener is also the guy or gal that comes up to the DJ during a wedding reception and says "play some good music," not realizing the dance floor is packed.

>>This same kind of listener is also the guy or gal that comes up to the DJ during a wedding reception and says "play some good music," not realizing the dance floor is packed.<<

Amen!!!

kinda like that wedding dj from Salem, kisntell, who seems mysteriously silent now.

Enough patting yourselves on the back. Get back to the studio and play Stairway To Heaven again.

Speaking of that. I heard for the first time ever the Gilligans Island parody to that song. Funny as heck but I quess it really pissed off Robert Plant!

Anyone score tickets to the Concert?

.......Hey Bro...Dont TAZE me.........

Now there is a SPERM.

He Barges in on the Mike out of turn, asks one question after the next before getting a proper response from John Kerry. Then fights the Campus police. Bad form especially after Virginia Tech.

The downside of Internet message forums is that they created a playground for these SPERM type personalities. The know-it-alls who love to hear themselves talk (because they think that they sound smart) aren't just limited to the subjects of radio and music.

agreed, just check in the politics and other things section!!

Hey Now, We are all not that bad over on the Dark Side!

........Author: Grady
Thursday, September 20, 2007 - 11:14 am


Enough patting yourselves on the back. Get back to the studio and play Stairway To Heaven again........

FREEBIRD!

>>...kisntell, who seems mysteriously silent now.

It's no mystery. He/she got booted.

Giving credit where credit's due ...

Newflyer, I forwarded the link to your post all around work yesterday. Those of us who ... uh ... interface with SPERM, all thought it was freakin' hysterical!!! Thanks for posting it.

.....Those of us who ... uh ... interface with SPERM,.......

I've heard just about enough vulgar language, If I want porn, I'll watch a britney video!!!!!

Everything Z-100 plays anymore is noise. What happened to the days of Toni Basil, Spandau Ballet, Don Johnson, Corey Hart, Shannon, Nena... They need to bring back Barney Keep, Mr Duffy and the rest of the original Morning Zoo.

Wow... I respect anybody's taste in music, but Don Johnson? Think I have to draw the line there.

:-)

Richard

Hey! Randy, you're so fine, you really blow my mind, hey Randy!

(Thanks a bunch...now make it stop!)

LVH? [Los Angeles Valley High]?

http://www.45picturesleeves.com/sleeves/basil.jpg

You can sample the Spanish version at Amazon (since that crummy Z-100 won't play it). It's the last track on the disc.

>>LVH? [Los Angeles Valley High]? <<

Las Vegas High.

newflyer:

Kudos for posting this!