Just thought I'd start a new humor thread:

Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and John Edwards
were flying to a convention.

Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said,
"You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and
make somebody very happy. "

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I
could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very
happy. "

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out
of the window and make a hundred people very happy. "

Hearing their exchange,the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his
co-pilot,

"Such big-shots back there.
I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people
very happy.

"I know you made a killin'/of that 80 billion/but still you won't break bread/to educate the children."

Fred Thompson and Hillary Clinton were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican, Fred Thompson, gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person, she decided to help. She walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. She then reached into Thompson's pocket and got out $20. She kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave the homeless person $5.

There are Republicans, many of whom are political jokes.

There are Democrats, many of whom are political jokes.

There are people out there that think the answer for one of the previously mentioned parties is by voting for the other.

Saw the Stevie Wonder thread and did not want to put this there.....

George DUHbyah recently attended a Stevie Wonder concert......As Stevie was taking his bows....from the front row George waved to him!

DUHHHHHBYAH......cmon man!

Research Bush
A researcher called G. W. Bush house in Austin.

G. W was sleeping in late and was awaken by the call.

He was half-asleep when he answered the phone.

Researcher: Excuse me, sir. I'm conducting a survey

GW Bush: Questions? No political questions.

Reseacher: Political, sir?

GW Bush: Do you know who you are calling?

Researcher: We call numbers at random, sir. May I ask --

GW Bush: What is this about?

Researcher: We are asking people do they think COKE beats PEPSI.

GW BUSH: I've never tried Pepsi. Is that a new thing?

Eerily similar

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WALIARHHLII&mode=related&search=

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjecVGvDAHA&mode=related&search=

I saw the comparison on Fox. Spooky.

"Richard Nixon epitaph: Here lies Richard Nixon (So, what else is new?)"

Nixon Vs. Clinton

Major Scandal during their presidency....
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed

The President's biggest fear....
Nixon: The Cold War
Clinton: The Cold Sore

Complaints toward the President.....
Nixon: Carpet-Bombing
Clinton: Carpet-Burns

Their Vice-Presidents...
Nixon: His was Greek
Clinton: His is a Geek.

Presidential qualities.....
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger.
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her.

Things the President couldn't explain....
Nixon: The missing 18-minutes on the tapes
Clinton: The 36D bra in his briefcase

Job titles....
Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President

Slogans....
Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him and saying "He's the one"

Known for....
Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Acquaintances....
Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with G Spot

Famous feats....
Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Ho

Quoted as....
Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked of getting a piece while on her

Presidential Nicknames....
Nixon: Tricky Dick
Clinton: Tricky Dick

and finally, Presidential excuses....
Nixon: I am not a crook!
Clinton: I did not do nook!



Dinner with Bill and Hillary

Bill and Hillary Clinton went out to dinner and when the waiter came to take their order, he asked Hillary how she wanted her steak, she replied, "medium."
Then the waiter said, "how about your vegetable?" Hillary replied, "Oh, he can order for himself."

Baseball game

Bill Clinton and his wife Hilary were at a baseball game when the man sitting behind Bill whispers something into Bills ear, Bill Clinton stands up and throws Hilary on the baseball field. The man that was sittingbehind Bill said, "No, NO, I said throw the first pitch!


Answer from Heaven

A little boy wanted $100 so badly that he prayed for two weeks. But nothing happened; so he decided to write God a letter asking for the money. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to "GOD, USA", they decided to send it to President Clinton. Bill was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill.

The little boy was delighted with the $5, and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read; "Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had it sent through Washington, DC, and as usual, those guys deducted $95."

OK...you asked for it!

*** Warning Adult Content ***
http://frogstar.soylentgeek.com/wav/duckjob.wav

Donald Duck inpersonating Bill Clinton

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.

A tax is a fine for doing well.

You'll Feel Better:

http://hytaipan.home.comcast.net/media/serenity2.html

George....fire your speech writer dude.

Actual quote from Bush:
"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1PTiMKsTo-o

Actually, thats not a bad statement. Its just not complete, Our enemies try to find new ways to harm us, so they can do just that. We have people trying to find ways to harm us, so they can come up with ways to stop it.

There are many groups at the Pentagon, who play the bad side in war games.

Ya I know, but it is typical of George, it just did not sound good the way he phrased that. His stuff needs better screening.

Nwokie said>>>>
Actually, thats not a bad statement. Its just not complete.

In DUHbya speak that is complete.

One day George Bush was walking with some of his staff when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!"

George looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass and I'm just the one to do it.

-A congressional candidate in Texas (Now George, that was not nice!)

*****************************************************

We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.

-Al Gore

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

A third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey! How about getting me a cold glass of Miller Light!" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. "On my bill," he said.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door. Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled: "Don't touch me. I'm collecting disability."

Okay that was funny. Thanks Herb.

Funny thing is, there's a greater chance the guy that ordered the Miller Lite and is on disability is an NRA lovin' conservative.

Nice try.

Not if he's a democrat, especially among NRA members.

Republicans far more strongly support the 2nd Amendment.

Herb

Too bad Republicans don't support the other parts of the Constitution.

Hey, Herbster made a funny on a political humor thread! Get one and counter it! It was humor and it was funny!

Aw, shucks. You're too kind.

Herb

Okay, I'll take a stab at a joke. Here goes:

George W. Bush.

Needs Substance.....kinda dry dude!

One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list,
but
I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell
you what I'm going to do. I've got a few folks here who weren't quite
as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their
place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." OJ thought that sounded
pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in,
and
surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dove in and
surfaced with nothing... Such was his fate in hell.

"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't
think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next
room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he
did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, this is no
good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ.

The devil opened a third door.

Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over
his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him
was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. OJ looked at this in
shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said . . . .









"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Are you sure it wasn't Hilary on the bed?

;=)

If it had been Hillary the other person would have been Janet Reno.....

Yuck.

NO MIND PICTURES...NO MIND PICTURES...NO MIND PICTURES!

We can only wish for it!

Rudy Giuliani's "Push" to Save America:

http://www.thenoiseboard.com/index.php?showtopic=172890&mode=threaded

Hillary RODMAN Clinton:

http://www.political.com/images/hillarybutton1.jpg

How do you keep a Republican in suspense?

Oooo Oooo Mr. Kotter, I know!

Elect Hillary.

Right Arnold. The Republicans will be in suspense waiting for the next screwing.

The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements. In daily use, HOWEVER,it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged Senator Clinton demanded a full investigation. After a month of investigating, a special commission published the following findings.

The stamp was in perfect order.



There was nothing wrong with the glue/adhesive.



People were spitting on the wrong side.

This is almost a good reason to get a PC ... 'cause a MAC doesn't do it that way ....

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it "Hillary Rodman Clinton".
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you. "Do you really want to get rid of "Hillary Rodman Clinton ?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better?

GOOD - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi

Then DUHbya....
Oh wait...
That was 7 years ago!!!

I'd be more than happy to send Nancy "Impeachment-is-off-the-table" Pelosi to the recycle bin.

Problem is, even though you delete these files you can't seem to get rid of the Spyware they left behind.

Hillary and Nancy SHOULD be in the bin along with The DICKster and DUHbya. The list would be longer but the SMART ones got out when they noticed the ship was sinking.

What's the difference between capitalism and communism?

Under capitalism, man exploits man.

Under communism, it's the other way around.

I like my Gen Wheeler qute, because if you think about it, it shows how this country, that had literally been torn apart, was able to come back together and confront an enemy. Most of the soldiers in the Spanish American war were southerners, and they with their brother in arms from the north, put aside the past to confront a common enemy.
When Lee died, he was buried in his Union General Uniform, a former confederate soldier paying his respects, commented, "Damn, whats old Stonewall going to say, when he sees that uniform".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9VjsomPd3ms

Tour the Clinton Library:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AScoMhVZQnw

This is even better!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwZSQrDuYzo&feature=related

EVEN BETTER!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ASBuh72Re8&feature=related

Agenda for the 2008 Democrat National Convention (Just Released)


7:00 pm Opening flag burning

7:15 pm Pledge of Allegiance to the U.N. in Spanish

7:20 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

7:25 pm Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton

7:45 pm Ceremonial tree hugging

7:55 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

8:00 pm How I Invented the Internet - Al Gore

8:15 pm Gay Wedding - Barney Frank presiding

8 :35 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

8:40 pm Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry

9.00 pm Saddam Memorial Rally - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon

11.00 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

11:05 pm Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund - Barbara Streisand

11:15 pm Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay - Sean Penn

11:30 pm Oval Office Affairs - William Jefferson Clinton

11:45 pm Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

11:50 pm How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Towers - Howard Dean & Rosie O'Donnell

12:15 am 'Truth in Broadcasting Award' - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore

12:25 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

12:30 am Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

12:45 am Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi

12:50 am Speech and toast by Hugo Chavez to the departure of 'The Great Satan', 'W' Bush

12:50 am Hillary proposes a toast to our 89 million new Democratic Mexican voters

1:00 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast to the extinction of the Republican party.

1:05 am Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton

1:30 am Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

1:35 am Bill Clinton asks Ted to drive Hillary home

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.

What's worse, everyone Knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

---------------------------

Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump him. Good grief woman!
You don't need him anymore!
You're a Senator from New York running for President of the United States.

Classic stuff Mrs. Merkin!

I guess this is as good a place as any to put this chestnut:

"25-year-old Eve, says, "I don’t want to single out the Republicans, but they are majority male and a fairly wealthy group of people." The on-again-off-again prostitute with streaked pixieish hair looks less like a hooker than a bartender at Galapagos—which made her ideal for one politically charged client last year. He'd asked her to show up at his apartment wearing a black hoodie with patches and no perfume or deodorant. "I said, 'Do you want me to dress like a protester?,' and he said, 'Yeah.' He tied me down, spanked me, and wanted to yell at me a lot. He said, 'You bad girl! You smashed the Starbucks!' He was a very conservative Wall Street banker, and he basically wanted to fuck the movement."

If that made you laugh, you will probably enjoy more of this flashback to the last Presidential election. This article from New York Magazine covers the sex industry preparing for brisk business from the 2004 RNC in NYC.

Convent is definitely not the root word of convention.