An Oscar for Bush

In a stunning reversal for the former vice president, the Supreme Court ordered that Al Gore’s Academy Award be given to President Bush.


By Andy Borowitz
Special to Newsweek
Updated: 1:06 p.m. ET Feb 27, 2007

Feb. 27, 2007 - Just days after former Vice President Al Gore received an Academy Award for his global- warming documentary, “An Inconvenient Truth,” the Supreme Court handed Gore a stunning reversal, stripping him of his Oscar and awarding it to President George W. Bush instead.
For Gore, who basked in the adulation of his Hollywood audience Sunday night, the high court’s decision to give his Oscar to President Bush was a cruel twist of fate, to say the least. But in a 5-4 decision handed down Tuesday morning, the justices made it clear that they had taken the unprecedented step of stripping Gore of his Oscar because President Bush deserved it more.

“It is true that Al Gore has done a lot of talking about global warming,” wrote Justice Antonin Scalia, writing for the majority. “But President Bush has actually helped create global warming.”

In another setback for the former vice president, a group of scientists meeting in Oslo, Norway, today said that Gore was growing at an unsustainable rate. “The polar ice caps may be shrinking, but Al Gore is clearly expanding,” said Dr. Hiroshi Kyosuke of the University of Tokyo.

The scientists concluded that if Gore continues to expand at his current rate, he could cause the earth to spin off its axis by 2010, sending it hurtling into the sun. “Here’s an inconvenient truth,” Dr. Kyosuke added. “Al’s got to stay away from those carbs.”

Elsewhere, after foreigners received a record number of Academy Award nominations, CNN anchor Lou Dobbs proposed building a 12-foot-high fence around the Kodak Theater in Los Angeles.

UPDATE:

WASHINGTON (AP) After being informed of the Supreme Court decision, President Bush says he looks forward to the addition of Oscar to the Bush household. Bush said, 'although there are no corpses to be found at the White House, Jeff and Susie Greene's dog Oscar would be a good companion for Barney'.

BREAKING NEWS:

WASHINGTON (Reuters) -- President George W. Bush was admitted to Bethesda Naval Hospital in Maryland for emergency oral surgery. The President was injured earlier this evening trying to "pop off the top" of his recently acquired Oscar statuette. A senior official, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that Bush thought it was a "fancy liquor bottle" and was attempting to open it when he was injured.

"What's a wife to do when her husband isn't quite as good as he thinks he is? She knows things can be better, but he refuses to see his own shortcomings."

"She wants an immediate withdrawal, but he's determined to stay the course. And now he's even taking the credit for other's successes!"

"A heartbreaking tale of delusion and deceit. First Lady Laura Bush shares her story on a Very Special Oprah. Today at 4."

I thank God that "Ellen" is on at the same time.