This isn'y really a joke...but guys be careful what you get you SO for XMAS!!!! OUCHH

http://bernieball.com/images6/wronggift.wmv

"I did not have sex with that man, Mr. Jones."

Seen on Rev. Ted Haggard's tombstone

Bono, the lead signer of the band U2 is famous
throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a
little self-righteous

He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland
when he asks the audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his
hands, once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into
the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the
front of the crowd, pierces the silence...
~
~
~
~
~
~
~


"Well, fuc*ing stop clapping then!"

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch,
reflecting on her long life. All of a sudden a fairy godmother appears
in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

"Well, now." says the old lady "I guess I would like to be really rich."

*POOF* her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess."

*POOF* she turns into a beautiful young woman.

"Your third wish?" asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's
cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh-can you change
him into a handsome prince?" she asks.

POOF* there before her stands a young man more handsome than
anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak
he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear "Bet you're sorry
you had me neutered."

Two Iraqi mothers, Mrs. Sayid and Mrs. Rahman, were sitting in a coffee shop one day having an espresso with goats milk, when Mrs. Rahman turned to Mrs. Sayid and asked, "How is your son, Ali these days? We were all so proud of him when he started at the university."

Mrs. Sayid looked wistful as she said, "Ahhh, Ali ... he martyred himself. Only 25 years old. Took out a whole shopping district with him."

Mrs. Rahman consoled her, telling Mrs. Sayid, "Well, fortunately, you have other children ... how is Hassan? I remember the wonderful way he used to play the flute."

"Ohhhhhhhh, Hassan," said Mrs. Sayid. "He, too, got caught up like Ali, and he martyred himself. Only 21. Took out a whole bus full of infidels."

"Thank goodness you still have your youngest son, Abdullah," offered Mrs. Rahman. "He was always so cute, with that mop of curly dark hair ... how is Abdullah?"

"Abdullah! The light of my life! He martyred himself, too. Only 17, and wiped out part of the public square. Ohhhh, Abdullah!"

"There, there," said Mrs. Rahman, patting Mrs. Sayid's hand. And after a long pause, she sighed, "It's true what they say ..... they blow up so fast."

Sort of like darktempers
A guy at the beach, finds a bottle, and while cleaning it, a genie appears, and grannts him 3 wishes.

He first wishes for an exotic car, and a ferrari appears, then he asks to be rich, and he receives millions of dollars of stocks, he decides to think about the last wish, and while
driving home, hes singing with the radio, when it starts playing "I wish i were an oscer Meyer Weinnie".

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road!"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids are nothing to look at either.

I tried to buy some camouflage trousers the other day , but I couldn't find any.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer!"

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail -- and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him . . . (This is so bad, it's good!) . . A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!

Old Bull and young Bull on a hill watching some Heifers, the young Bull says, lets run down there and screw some of those heifers, Old Bull replie, better idea, lets walk down there and screw them all.

Now that was just plain Grooosssssss! But Funny though!

Here would be a really nasty practical joke!!

http://www.krud.com/toon54.html

In my Air Force days, before i switched to the army, I worked on F4 radars, which put out a lot of power, and a high power RF signal, will illuminate a Flourscent light bulb, even with no wires attached.

So when we would see a young airman or airwoman, carrying a light bulb to replace a burnt out light, we would poingt the antenna at them , then turn the radar to transmit, causing the light bulb to illuminate in their hands.

We did the same thing at lowry, using the trainers pointing out a window, at the building across the street, then watch the SP's show up, investigating the strange lighting.

Did you ever pull an uncle fester and put a light bulb in your mouth and have someone light you up? Now that would be priceless to see that! LOL

It happened in Seattle. Yes, it really did. It occurred in the land of Bill And The Evil Empire, and the telling of the tale is almost as bad as to original event - pure horror, pure terror.

It took an unlucky combination of people meeting together in one of the Microsoft executive suites. First, there were the Scotlanders recently responsible for the cloning of the sheep. In addition, the group was blessed with Chryler Motors ex-CEO, Lee Iococa, and with the famous vampire, Count Dracula.

DNA was taken from both Iococa and Drac and the DNAs were combined into the empty ovum of a Microsoft executive. The fertilized ovum was implanted in a conscripted volunteer, and after nine months, the conceptus came fully to term. Thus, it was born, now we have the explanation........... AUTOEXEC.BAT.

A guy is at the beach and a fairygodmother appears.
You have 3 wishes what are they she asks, and after every time you make a wish you have to jump over this log.
The guy replies ok and makes his first wish
"I wish I had a million dollars" He screams as he jumps over the log, than poof suddenly a million dollars appears.
He then screams "I wish I had the hottest girl in america" as he jumps over the log, than poof a super model appears.
For his last and final wish the guy starts running and trips, "OH SHIT" he yells, than Poof he turns into a piece of shit.

What do you get when a person takes rogaine and viagra at the same time???

Answer:
Don King

www.worth1000.com/entries/49000/49361PuXT_w.jpg

Nice!

(The answer that came to my mind was considerably more foul than this!)

A man was drowning in the middle of the ocean. A big ship spots him and asks him if he needs their help. The man replies no thank you God will save me. The ship leaves. A while later another big ship spots the drowning man and asks him if he needs their help. Again the man responds no thank you God will save me. A short while later the man finally drowns. The man goes to heaven and when he meets God he asks God why he did not save him. God replies "You big dope....I sent two ships to rescue you!"


Good Life Leason!
Don't let your lofty expectations cloud what is reality and often right in front of you!


Source:
"Pursuit of Happiness"
Will Smith should win an academy award for this one! Great Great movie!

New Rules for 2007


New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days--mowing my lawn.


New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was
found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What
did you expect it to contain? Trout?


New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for
these kids: lucky bastards.


New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.
If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.


New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care
about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.


New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle
of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored
water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored
water.


New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a
redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top
is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved
the Social Security crisis.


New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.


New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my
card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the
kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my
Almond Joy.


New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't
make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it
translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not
spiritual. You're just high.


New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating,
because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already
doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."


New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.


New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,
old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a
remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember
the reason something was a television show in the first place is that
the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.


New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.


New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.
After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just
had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be
there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web
cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.


New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.
And I didn't really care in the first place.


New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that
pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or
tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future
around saying" Do you want fries with that?"

Re: AUTOEXEC.BAT~

Ja, DOS is Gute! (Der Joken und der Compooter.)
(No offence intended, I am about 3/4 German.)

A lot of people don't know it, but the Macintosh computer was originally invented by a fruit farmer based in Appleton, Wisconsin. *rimshot*



Lame Jokes du Jour, a' la Motozak:

A Carnac:
ANSWER: William Saffire.
QUESTION: What was Shakespeare's first name, Eragon?


An old man and an old woman are sitting reading the paper. The old woman turns to the man and asks "Can you hear me?" No answer. She gets up and walks over to the other side of him and asks again, "Can you hear me?" Still no answer. Frustrated, she gets in front of him, angrily takes the newspaper from his hand and shouts "CAN-YOU-HEAR-ME?" The old man replies loudly, "FOR THE THIRD TIME, YES!!"


These three strings walk into a bar. First one casually walks up to the barman and says "Gimmie a beer." The barman says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here." The second string thinks that maybe if he asks real nice the bartender might get him a drink. He asks the barman, "'Scuse me, sir, could I please get a beer sir, if it isn't too much trouble?" The barman says "I am sorry, we don't serve strings here, get out." The third string hears all this, goes into the restroom, messes up his hair and bends himself into a loop. The barman asks him "Excuse me, aren't you a string?" The string replies "Nope. I'm a frayed knot."



The trouble with CEOs and politicians is that the 95% who are crooked or dishonest give the rest a bad name.



Psychiatrists are always quick to diagnose their patients as crazy. What they obviously don't realise is that it takes one to know one.



People are lined up at the parly gates, whilst St. Peter is admitting them to Heaven. "What did you do while you were on Earth" he asks a man. "I was a schoolteacher" replied the man. "You can go right through those pearly gates. Next!" replies St. Peter.
"What did you do while you were on Earth?"
"I was a journalist."
"You can go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"
"I installed satellite receivers and telecom systems."
St. Peter takes a big sigh. "Go around back, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen, the office is on the left..."



A lawyer and a priest both die on the same day and go to Heaven. The lawyer is given a plush, stately luxury suite while the priest is given a small room with a bed and a window. The priest walks up to God and asks Him, "I have been serving you my entire life, why does the lawyer get this fancy suite and I a small room with only a bed and a window?" God replies, "Well, we get priests in here every day, but this is the first lawyer we've ever had."


(Now THERE'S someone I would have wanted to represent me in a lawsuit..... -MZ)


If you are familiar with older Motocross jargon, you'd know a rider's percentage score was called a "share", like how a radio station ranks in a particular market. Supposedly this system was invented by Big Bird, as well as Rich Sheindlin himself. That's probably how Moto-racers have learned to Share And Share Alike.

Goodnight Portland!!

A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to tell his father the news.

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"Well, let me tell you what happened," the son said. "We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane.

"Is that when you jumped?" asked his father.

"Uh, no. The sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked his father.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump.
He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt.

"So, did you jump?"

"No. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Are you gonna jump or not?'"

"I said, 'No sir, I'm too scared." So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took out his you-know-what. I swear, dad, it was about ten inches long and big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked his father.

"Well, a little, at first."

A truck driver picks up a gay hitchhiker.

The stranger gets in and sees a monkey in the back of the truck. Twenty minutes go by and the trucker reaches back and slaps the monkey in the head real hard. The monkey jumps up front and begins to give the trucker a blowjob.

Twenty minutes later, the trucker slaps the monkey again in the head real hard, and the monkey performs the same action.

After a few more times, the trucker asks the stranger, "Do you want to try?"

The stranger replies, "OK, but you don't have to slap me that hard!"

------------------------------------------------

>> Oregon State Police Story
>>
>> In most of the United States, there is a
>> policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the
>> highway when the temperatures drop down to single
>> digits or below.
>>
>> About 3 AM, one very cold morning, Senior
>> Trooper Gary Gleaves (Oregon State Police) responded
>> to a call there was a car off the shoulder of
>> In terstate 5 outside Canyonville, OR. He located
>> the car, stuck in deep snow, and with the engine
>> still running. Pulling in behind the car with his
>> emergency lights on, the Trooper walked to the
>> driver's door to find an older man passed out behind
>> the wheel with a nearly empty vodka bottle on the
>> seat beside him.
>>
>> The driver came awake when the Trooper tapped
>> on the window. Seeing the rotating lights in his
>> rearview mirror, and the State Trooper standing next
>> to his car, the man panicked. He jerked the
>> gearshift into 'drive' and hit the gas. The car's
>> speedometer was showing 20-30-40 and then 50 mph,
>> but it was still stuck in the snow, wheels spinning.
>>
>> Senior Trooper Gleaves, having a sense of
>> humor, began running in place next to the speeding,
>> but still stationary car. The driver was totally
>> freaked, thinking the Trooper was actually keeping
>> up with him. This goes on for about 30 seconds,
>> then the Trooper yelled at the man to 'Pull over!'
>> The man obeyed, turned his wheel and stopped the
>> engine.
>>
>> Needless to say, the man from Los Angeles,
>> Calif. was arrested, and is probably still shaking
>> his head over the State Trooper in Oregon who could
>> run 50 miles per hour.
>>
>> Who says Troopers don't have a sense of humor?
>>

Lights are on but Nobody is Home

8 MORONS OF 2005



1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?



AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual

leadership.

He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking

intelligence.




2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:



Police in Oakland CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had

barricaded himself inside his home.

After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing

beside them in the police line shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up!"





3. WHAT WAS PLAN B?



An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to

drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded

to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.





4. THE GETAWAY!



A man walked into a Topeka Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the

cash drawer.

Apparently the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter

himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.





5. DID I SAY THAT?



Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control

himself during a lineup.

When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words:

"Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"





6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?



A man spoke frantically into the phone:

"My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart."

"Is this her first child?" the doctor asked.

"No!" the man shouted,

"This is her husband!"





7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!



In Modesto CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of

America branch without a weapon.

King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep

his hand in his pocket. (Hellooooooo!)





8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!



Last summer down on Lake Isabella , located in the high desert an hour east of

Bakersfield CA , some folks new to boating were having a problem.

No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going.

It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver no matter how much power they applied.

After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking

someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition.

The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct

size and pitch.

So one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath.

He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.




(NOW REMEMBER..THIS IS TRUE.) Under the boat, still strapped securely in place ... was the trailer

SERMON BY THE POPE

The Pope was finishing his sermon.
He ended it with the Latin phrase,
"Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind.

A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day.
They pointed out that the Pope blessed all Mankind,
but not Womankind.


The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying,
"Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope.
They said that they noted that he blessed Mankind and Womankind,
and asked if he could also bless Gay people.


The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with,
"Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."

I bought a new Lexus 350 and returned to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the
radio was voice activated.

"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio.
The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers.
Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant " Georgia On My Mind"
replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, Beatles,"
I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "Ass Holes!".........
Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.

I LOVE this car!

Okay- I loved that last one Skybill. Sent it to many of my left leaning friends who have a good sense of humor.

Thanks! My boss sent me that this morning and I thought it was worthy of posting.

Ancient Communications

After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters and shortly after headlines in the UK newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year old fiber-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, Irish newspapers reported the following: "After digging as deep as 5000 meters in a County Mayo bog, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, have concluded that 5000 years ago, Ireland's inhabitants were already using wireless technology."

This is pretty funny.

Cingular Name Change.

http://www.mobilegadgetnews.com/index.php?showtopic=13603

This is true, but still funny!

Check it out at: http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/nugent.asp


Ted Nugent, a heavy metal guitar legend and devoted (bow) hunter, was being interviewed by British journalist Robert Chalmers for The Independent on Sunday, the expanded Sunday version of the UK newspaper The Independent. Eventually, the conversation turned to his love of outdoor pursuits. The journalist asked, "What do these deer think when they see you coming? Here comes the nice guy who puts out our dinner? Or, there's the man that shot my brother?"

Nugent replied, "I don't think they're capable of either of those thoughts, you Limey asshole. They're only interested in three things: the best place to eat, having sex and how quickly they can run away. Much like the French."

Rock on Ted!

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for Lola and was in line
to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog . . . . . . . .
Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting
the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended
up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.
I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying
it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it
works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and
was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no . . . . . I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

The Living Will...

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said
to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.

I hate her......

DEEP THOUGHTS FOR THOSE WHO TAKE LIFE WAY TOO SERIOUSLY

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like . . . night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

15. Ok, . . . so what's the speed of dark?

16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

25. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

26. Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today might burn your behind tomorrow.

A Nebraska farmer got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 9 opened the door.

"Is yer Dad home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied "He went into town."

Well said the farmer, "is yer Mom here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but, I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

This may be a bit out of line but I found it funny anyway.

Rep. Charles Rangel (D-N.Y an African Amercian) was asked what he thought about the President.

"Well" he said, "I really think he shatters the myth of white supremacy once and for all."

post cancelled

A skinny little guy went into an elevator, looked up and saw this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy saw the little guy staring at him, looked down and said, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.

The white man fainted and fell to the floor. The big guy knelt down and brought him to by shaking him. The big guy said, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy said, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude said, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20-inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy said, "Turner Brown? Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'turn around'!"

A man goes to visit his grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you, Grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they
bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go
out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to
question the Sister in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving a 95-year-old
Viagra on a daily basis. Surely, that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup
of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate
makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more

Check it out;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dMH0bHeiRNg

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid level governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!

I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, try to do it in English.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years In the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut up already.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson practices, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I think cops have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license. I think it's good..... and I'm proud that "God" is written on my money.

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

And what is going on with gas prices... again?

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.

We need our country back!

We NEED GOD BACK IN OUR COUNTRY!

I would rather live my life as if there is a
God, and die to find out there isn't, Than
live my life as if there isn't, and die to
find out there is.

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

40-ish...........................49
Adventurous..................Slept with everyone
Athletic..........................No boobs
Average looking.............Ugly
Beautiful.......................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..........Does a lot of pills
Emotionally Secure.......On medication
Feminist........................Fat
Free spirit......................Junkie
Friendship first..............Former slut
Fun.................................Annoying
New-Age.......................Body hair in the wrong places
Old-fashioned................No BJs
Open-minded.................Desperate
Outgoing.......................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.....................Sloppy drunk
Professional....................Rich Snob
Voluptuous...................Very Fat
Large frame....................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate............Stalker



WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want..
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6 We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

How to impress a woman:

* Wine her,
* Dine her;
* Call her,
* Hug her,
* Support her,
* Hold her,
* Surprise her,
* Compliment her,
* Smile at her,
* Listen to her,
* Laugh with her,
* Cry with her,
* Romance her,
* Encourage her,
* Believe in her,
* Pray with her,
* Pray for her,
* Cuddle with her,
* Shop with her,
* Give her jewelry,
* Buy her flowers,
* Hold her hand,
* Write love letters to her,
* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

How to impress a man:
* Show up naked, Bring chicken wings and beer...don't block the TV,

God's Diet Plan:

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese.
And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed, and created quadruple bypass surgery, angioplasties, and stints . . . . .

And Satan created HMOs ...

http://livedigital.com/content/279808/u41197

Ole and Sven are quietly sittin' in a boat on Birch Lake during Minnesota's opening day of fishing season and suckin' down beer. Suddenly Sven says, "Ole, I tink I'm gonna divorce my wife - - she hasn't spoken vit me in over two months."

Ole sips his beer and says,

"Vell Sven, you better tink it over, - - vimen like dat are hard to find."

Golf

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly
round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young
blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained
that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an
emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join
them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and
said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing
shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer,
bet, swear or tell off-color stories or do Anything that you normally do
when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf,
consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to
play my shots."

With that, the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All
eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball
on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the
middle, right in front of the green.

The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it
and I have faded it a little."

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde
took out a nine iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole.
(She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."

The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak. I've left a tricky
little putt," before tapping in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the
hell out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away, smack in the
middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde
continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par
or less on every hole. When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde
was three under par and has a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating
green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all
for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to
use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really
like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to
make par on this hole, I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some
25-year old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him
a good time the rest of the night."

The yuppie son jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green,
carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about
6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that
little hump and break right into the cup."

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb.
"Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches
to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into
the cup."

The old gray haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked
it up and handed it to the her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart.
Your car or mine?"


AGE and Treachery WILL TRIUMPH OVER YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME.

My Daddy, the Dancer

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for
a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic,
businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth. However, little Justin
was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about
his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and
takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his
underwear.

Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him
all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly sent the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask
him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," the boy said, "He works
for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton
to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of
the other kids."

An attorney got home late one evening after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, named Wilbur Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed, and he was feeling tired and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door his wife started on about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a very large whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub... pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath the phone rang, which the wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Realizing what a day he must have had, she relented a little and went upstairs to give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear view as he bent over naked drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight,"
she said.

The attorney whirled around and screamed hysterically, "For crying out loud woman, don't you ever stop?"

Here's one for the technical minded;

The Sex Life of an Electron by Eddie Currents

One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge.


He picked up Millie-Amp and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone Bridge, around the sine waves and stopped in the magnetic field by the flowing current.

Micro-Farad, attracted by Millie-Amp's caracteristic curves, soon had her fully charged
and excited her resistance to a minimum. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her Frequency and lowered her reluctance.

He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it in her socket, connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt.

Fully excited, Millie-Amp mumbled, "OHM - OHM - OHM."

With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat and Micro-Farad was rapidly discharged and drained of every electron.

They fluxed all night trying various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost all of its field strength.

Afterwards, Millie-Amp tried self induction and damaged her solenoids. With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to excite his field, so they spent the rest of the night reversing polarity and blowing each other’s fuses.

Terms From a Mother's Dictonary;

AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am, too.

DEFENCE: What you better have around de yard if you’re going to let de children play outside.

DROOLING: How teething babies wash their chins.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be, as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you say it.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: What you should keep to a minimum so as not to upset the children.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WEAKER SEX: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into get a sponge.

Eight Words with two Meanings


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female......Any part under a car's hood.

Male..........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female.......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.

Male.........Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male..........Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.

Male.....Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.

Male..........Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female......An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.

Male..........A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female......The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.

Male..........Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female........A device for changing from one TV channel to another.

Male..........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

How To Wash A Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet tank water.

3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

CAUTION: DO NOT GET ANY PART OF YOUR BODY TOO CLOSE TO THE EDGE, AS HIS PAWS WILL BE REACHING OUT FOR ANYTHING HE CAN FIND.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

10 DOG PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS !!!!!

1. Blaming your farts on me...not funny....not funny at all!

2. Yelling at me for barking...I'M A DOG YOU IDIOT!!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... STOP IT.

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when your not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog, WHOOOOHOOOOO what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for the "big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

10. Dog sweaters? Hello!! Haven't you noticed the fur?

Merkins 16 things she needs for her new/used car:

1. Travel faster in all gears, especially reverse.
2. Accelerate at a phenomenal rate.
3. Has a much shorter braking distance.
4. It Can take bumps at twice the speed.
5. Oil, battery, tire pressures and fluid levels do not need to
be checked nearly so often.
6. Has a much tighter turning radius.
7. The floor is shaped like an garbage can.
8. Will only run on the cheapest gas available.
9. Does not have to be garaged at night.
10. Can be driven up to 100 miles with the oil warning
light on.
11. Needs cleaning less often, especially inside.
12. The suspension and trunk floor are reinforced to allow
concrete slabs and other heavy building materials to be carried.
13. Specially adapted to allow reverse to be engaged while the
car is still in forward motion.
14. The tire side walls are designed for bumping into and over
curbs.
15. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by
the adjustment of the radio volume control.
16. No security is needed. It may be left anywhere, unlocked,
with the keys in the ignition.

I messed up on the previous post. Should have been only 15 things. Number 16 applies to her current vehicle!

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter... Snowing;and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte. They were about an hour awa y from anywhere without a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off and in need of some assistance!" He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her&n bsp; chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzi his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down... Or perhaps that should be "pants down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment .. "This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.

The Pillsbury Dough Boy has passed away.

I hear he died from a yeast infection!

Here's the full obituary!

The Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was only 71.

Mr. Pop N. "Fresh" Dough was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours, as long-time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Mr. Dough as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

He rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

Toward the end it was thought that he would rise again.

Mr. Dough is survived by his wife; Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.

OMG.....
Redneck 911 Video.....
When I saw this I busted a gut laughing....it made me think of Cheney and what really happened on his trip! LMAO

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5111640641518712038&q=redneck+911&hl=en

A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.

The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.

"Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.

He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.

"Hi, Mrs. Murphy? Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home."

"That was nice of you," she says, looking around, "But....where's his wheelchair?"

Darktemper, that is hilarious.

However, I take exception to your comment about Cheney.

I think Cheney should be given a medal or something. After all, the dude he shot is a lawyer!!

Oh....no need to take exception with me...I agree...only problem is that he did not finish the JOB!

Redneck Tower Climbers

Rednecks are good at that sensitive stuff. Here's proof...

Three Rednecks were working on a Radio tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

“Well, not exactly,” Jed says, when she opened the door I said to her, "You must be Steve's widow."

She replied “No, I'm not a widow."

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

IMPORTANT RECALL NOTICE!!

The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured, regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype unit’s code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units.

This defect has been technically termed, "Subsequential Internal Non-morality", or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily expressed. Some other symptoms:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish, or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion in the mental component
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion

The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect. The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required. The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R. Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus, into the heart component. No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, JESUS will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control

Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. (Believers Instructions Before Leaving Earth), for further details on the use of these fixes.
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently impounded. For free emergency service, call on JESUS.
DANGER: The human being units not responding to this recall action will have to be scrapped in the furnace. The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent contamination of that facility.

Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall notice!!!

Thank you for your immediate attention.
ALL MY LOVE ~ GOD

The Lawnmower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, and fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home from fishing one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes.

When I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Two things to know before you read below:

All Marines are taught;

1) Keep your priorities in order.
2) Know when to act without hesitation.

A Marine was attending a college course between missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. The professor, an avowed atheist, shocked the class one day when he walked in, looked toward the ceiling, and said loudly, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent and the professor began his lecture. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God - still waiting."

It got down to the last minute when the Marine stood up, walked toward the professor and threw his best punch knocking him off the platform and out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat down.

The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God is busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to behave like an idiot and say stupid stuff. So He sent me

15 Things to Do In Wal-Mart for Fun

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they
aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in
housewares . . . and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll
invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't
you people just leave me alone?'

9. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your
nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission
Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different
size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"
"PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal
position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And; last, but not least!)

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and, then,
yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

Sgt Smith gets a message, informing him one of the privates assigned to him, mother had died.

So at the next formation, he announces, Pvt Smith, I have a message for you, your mother died last night. Pvt smith faints, and is rushed to the infirmary, a little later the chaplin visits the Sgt, and tells him, he has to be more sensitive to the troops.

Few weeks later, Sgt gets a message Pvt Jones mother had died, so at the next formation, he commands, everyone with a living mother take 2 steps forward, after the command is followed, looks at Pvt Jones, and tells him, Pvt Jones take 2 steps back.

Pretty funny dig at 97.1 on a radio remote! 97.1 just a coincidence but it is a pretty harsh slam at automated radio!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2V5aXvppDwA

AT LAST, AN ANSWER TO THE AGE OLD QUESTION - WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when some one says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Shitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt; Fulla Schitt; Giva Schitt; Bull Schitt; and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop-out. After being marrried 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.

So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!

Things to Ponder....
====================
1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?

2. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

7. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

8. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

10. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

11. What do you call male ballerinas?

12. Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??

13. Why ARE Trix only for kids?

14. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

18. If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

19. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

19. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

20. Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

21. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

22. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29........... $10.32 per gallon

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ............$9.52 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59..... $10.17 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 .......... $10.00 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 .......... $33.60 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35.... $178.13 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85........ $123.20 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39....... . $25.42 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .........$84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon?! $21.19 for WATER - and the buyers don't even know the source.

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid Pepto Bismol or Nyquil.

Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next trip to the
pump...

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck.

One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments.

But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream.
"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?"

"That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."

"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table.

Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding.

You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flowers on your side of the path!

Thanks man...You to!
I have flowers on both sides of my path with all of the fertilizer I spread! LOL
If you can't laugh at yourself then who can you laugh at! LOL

"Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***



***Longer Pause***



***Even Longer Pause***


Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool???????........ . .

Is this 486-5731?"

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they
spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of their hectic schedules, it
was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.

So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife
was flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel, and
unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send
an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her
email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong
address.

Meanwhile...somewhere in Houston .. a widow had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after
suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting
messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she
screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his
mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which
read:

To: My Loving Wife

Date: Friday, October 13, 2004
Subject: I have arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and
you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and
have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your
arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS ..... Sure is freaking hot down here!!

Political Science for Dummies

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one,
Milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised
when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating
you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give
Excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, yo u see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafiya shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to
milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks h e's French, other times he's Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally
Vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you
Think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders

REDNECK CORPORATION
You had three cows.
They used to make enough milk.
Fired Bubba for tipping.
There is always booze.
Life is good.

My favorite (and I am a female):

" A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.

The genie said, "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you one wish. I can only grant one." The man thought for a while and finally said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I've never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."

The genie thought for a few minutes and then said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the pilings needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask."

The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, "There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with. Basically, what makes them tick."

The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

Ha! Welcome!

Nice one!

And I'll second that welcome.

KIDS COMPANY
you have a cow
I have a cow
let's drink milk

These are from the kids:

What do you call a cow that just had it's calf?
DeCalfenated!

What do you call a cow with only 3 legs?
Lean Beef!

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef!

Remember these are from the kids so if you have a "Beef" take it up with them!

What do you do with a cow with no legs?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Take it out for a drag.

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs;

In front of a door? Matt.

Hanging on a wall? Art.

In a swiming pool? Bob.

In a pile of leaves? Russell.

Same guy, six months later? Pete!

How many kids with A.D.D does it take to...Hey! Wanna ride bikes?

How many adults with ADHD does it take to screw....Hey was that my fifth or sixth shot of Whiskey?

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs;

Who works on the radio? Mike.

And his limbless buddy working in the lobby?

Mat!

Their girlfriend floating in the pool?

Bobbi!

How many Californian's does it take to screw in a light bulb?



Californian's don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in a hot tub!!

Dear Tech Support,
>
>Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
>distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the
>flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
>Boyfriend 5.0.
>
>In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs,
>such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed
>undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.
>Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes
>the system.
>
> I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
>What can I do?
>
>Signed, Desperate
>
>
>Dear Desperate,
>
>First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
>Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I
>Thought You Loved Me.HTML" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don' t
>forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
>
> If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
>automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But
>remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
>default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1
>is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
>
>Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in
>the background that will eventually seize control of all your system
>resources).
>Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are
>unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
>In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
>memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
>buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
>recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
>
>Good Luck,
>
>Tech Support

Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Duluth. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, "Dat's dem."

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yah sure, ve'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere." says Sven.

The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven's pick-up and drive to the top of some big cliffs near Two Harbors.

At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says: "By yumpin' yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me."

VAIT!!! Dere's MORE!

Moments later Knute who's been to the pet shop too, arrives at the cliffs. He walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another paper bag and a shotgun. "Hey, Ole. Vatch dis." Knute says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff.

Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the parrot and continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Ole shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either."

BUT VAIT!!! Dere's MORE, you betcha!!

Ole is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Lars appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a paper bag and pulls out a chicken. Lars grasps the chicken by the legs, holds it over his head, and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down and hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Ole shakes his head...."First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, den Knute parrotshooting.,.and now Lars hengliding....."

So, Sven and Ole are bungee-jumping one day. Sven says to OLe, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." Ole thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. Sven jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Ole notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, Ole isn't able catch him, Sven falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again,Ole misses him. Sven falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Ole finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Sven says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a pinata?"

Water vs. Wine - Valuable Information

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poo. However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purificaton process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

WATER = Poo

WINE = HEALTH

Ergo: It is better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of crap. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information; I am doing it as a public service.

No poop in my well water....maybe there is in the stuff you city dwellers pass off as water!

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, and Softball 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my other favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0.


Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

_____________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men often complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear 2.7 to alleviate your program problems.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! Wife 1.0 does come with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of the zipper on his pants.

The bartender asked "What the heck is up with that, it looks uncomfortable"

The Pirate responded "Arrrr, it's drivin' me nut's"

Fred recently visited Herb.

Upon arrival at Herbs place and after the usual greetings they sat down in the living room.

Fred noticed that on the kitchen table there was a large Ham. nothing strange about that except this one had a whip antenna and a microphone attached to it. So Fred asked Herb what the heck it was.

Herb replied "That's my HAM Radio"

HA

Okay....

Here are a couple more "Bob" jokes:

What do you call a woman with no arms and one leg?

Eileen


What do you call a Japanese woman with no arms and one leg?

Irene


(thank you)

What do you call a leper in a hot tub?

Stew

Nice!

A limbless woman, sitting in the garden, all dolled up?

Heather!

..No arm, no legs...

at the beach - Sandy
in a pile of leaves - Russel

At the door - Matt
In the pool - Bob

Chickenjuggler said; in a pile of leaves - Russel.....What do you call him 6 months later?........Pete.

Things to Ponder:

•If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea..Does that mean that one enjoys it?

•There are three religious truths:
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the Leader of the Christian Faith.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

•If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

•Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

•If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

•Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

•Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, But a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

•Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

•If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

•If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

•Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

•What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

•I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.


•I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

•Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

•If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

•You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

•Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

•If a cow snorted when it laughed would milk come out of her nose?

•Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

•As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice that when you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

Been watching or reading some Steven Wright Sky?

No (but I probably should!!!). Someone sent that to me in an email this AM and I enjoyed it so I thought I'd pass it along!

If you do a google search for Steven Wright quotes, many of the ones you posted will be there.

HAIL DAMAGE

A blonde left her car out in a hail storm. When the storm was over, she checked the car and found out it was covered with small dents. She went to the local garage and inquired how to fix the problem.

The mechanic told her to blow on the tailpipe and the dents would be removed.

She took the car home parked it and proceeded to blow on the pipe. Another blonde came by and inquired what she was doing, she told her that she was blowing on the tailpipe to remove the dents.

The other blonde responded, "That's not going to work unless you roll up the windows."

Chris, speak of the devil, Steven Wright was on Letterman tonight (Monday).

Pretty funny stuff!

Darktemper, that reminds me of this old doozy:

A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were all contracted by the highway department to paint stripes on the road.

After a few days, the supervisor came out to examine their work. He was pleased that the brunette and redhead had finished almost ten miles along the shoulders.

The blonde only had to put the stripes in the middle, but she was miles behind the other two women. Curious as to why progress was slow, he asked the blonde, "Why do you only have a few miles done?"

The blonde replied glibly with her own question, "Don't you know how far back I have to walk to get to the bucket?"

Good one!

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.

She showed him the instructions on the tin,

"For best results, put on two coats".

_______________________________________

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:

"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Second Blonde:
Well you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!

_____________________________________________

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,

"I can't take this, you're my friend."
But the blonde insisted saying,
"No. A bet's a bet."

Then the redhead said

"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied

"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"


__________________________________________

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."

The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

Where's That Tequila???


A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be a few thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the jar?"



"Well," says the bartender, " you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Corvette"

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"

"Pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender. So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.

OK," the bartender says, "Here's what you need to do: First - you have to drink that entire litre of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it."

Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands."

"Third - there's a 90-year old woman upstairs w ho has never had an orgasm. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a litre of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks,"Where ez zat tequila?"

He grabs the litre with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then... silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. Now," he says... "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

One day, Bubba Ray was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bobby Joe driving a brand new pickup. Bobby Joe pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bobby Joe, where'd you get that truck?!?"
"LuLu Bell gave it to me" Bobby replied.

"She gave it to you???? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?????"

"Well, Bubba, let me tell you what happened.
We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of no where.
LuLu Bell pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods.
She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bobby Joe, take whatever you want'!!!

So I took the truck!"

"Bobby Joe, you're a smart man! Them clothes woulda never 'a fit ya!"

Hang on to any of the new Arkansas Quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents.

The US Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.

This action is being taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones or any other coin operated devices.

The problem lies in the unique design of the Arkansas quarter, which was designed by a team of Ozark specialists. Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines.

Corporate Physical Fitness Program
Notice: Our company requires no further physical fitness programs. Everyone gets enough exercise:

jumping to conclusions,
flying off the handle,
beating around the bush,
running down the boss,
going around in circles,
dragging their feet,
dodging responsibility,
climbing the ladder,
wading through paperwork,
pulling strings,
throwing their weight around,
stretching the truth,
bending the rules,
passing the buck,
and pushing their luck!

Anyone else share this same Corporate Exercise Program?????

I quit that exercise program years ago. Much healthier these days.

Modified Husband Edition:

jumping to conclusions,
flying off the handle,
beating around the bush,
running down the wife,
going around in circles,
dragging their feet,
dodging responsibility,
climbing the ladder,
wading through the newspaper,
pulling strings,
throwing their weight around,
stretching the truth,
bending the rules,
passing the buck,
and pushing their luck!

Pretty much the Same!!!

New Station Policies

Entirely too much time is being lost from station work due to people calling in sick, having babies, Etc. This will no longer be tolerated. This is radio not a department store. Here are the new guidelines for anyone that feels they are going to be absent from work at this radio station.

SICKNESS: (You) No excuse. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof, as we believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to the radio station and work.

SICKNESS: (Spouse) No excuse. Look at it this way, if your spouse was still single, they'd have to take care of themselves and we're sure they'd get along just fine. Having you to baby them while they are sick is a luxury this radio station can not afford.

SICKNESS: (Your Children) No excuse. We didn't tell you to have children. If we had, you could have the time off. Having children was your decision and we regard their sickness as a problem you will have to deal with. This comes under the heading of Personal Problem and is no reason to be allowed to miss work at the radio station.

DEATH: (Other Than Your Own): This is no excuse. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else in a lesser position can attend to the arrangements of the funeral or whatever you people do when someone in your family croaks. However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon hours, we will be glad to let you off one hour early, provided that your share of station work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence. This does not apply to air-talent. If the funeral is after your shift, and your production is done, no problem. Do not attend a funeral before your shift. We can not afford to have you bummed out on the air.

DEATH: (Your Own): This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like a two week notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job. You may be dead in two weeks but the radio station will be here long after you are gone and forgotten.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE: (For an Operation): We are no longer allowing this practice! We wish to discourage any thought that you may have about needing an operation. We believe that as long as you are employed at this radio station, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. It is also a violation of your contract.. those of you lucky enough to have one.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE: (For Pregnancy): Out of the question. If you will take the proper measures before sex this will not become a problem. Too many times we get someone trained and then they get pregnant. This costs the radio station money and is not acceptable. If you get pregnant you will be expected to work. We will allow you one day in which to have your baby. You must specify that day 2 weeks in advance. Once you have specified a date for the birth of your child, you MUST stick to it. No exceptions.

THE REST ROOM: Too much time is being spent in the Rest Room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going to the Rest Room in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with A will go from 8am to 8:05am, B will go from 8:05am to 8:10am, and so on. If you are unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the day when your turn comes again.

Management realizes that some may view these policies as harsh but you have to understand that the radio station is not only a fun place to work, it's a business. Some say we have to stay lean and mean to win. It is the opinion of management that if we stay skinny and pissed we'll do even better.

Have a good day.

"The Ellen Show" was on and she read this submission to a contest from a viewer:

So, we had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.

Well, we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES IT. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on.

My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.

And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.

Found these images...thought some were hillarious:

High Octane Baby Food:
http://www.lilviv.com/entertainment/images/babygpic.jpg
Turn around and watch were your flying:
http://www.lilviv.com/entertainment/images/badpilot.jpg
Who says cops don't have a sence of humor:
http://www.lilviv.com/entertainment/images/bombtech.jpg
Dang...slow down would ya:
http://www.lilviv.com/entertainment/images/driving_too_fast.jpg
True Dat:
http://www.lilviv.com/entertainment/images/gaspric5.jpg
A real pair of Hot Dog's:
http://www.lilviv.com/entertainment/images/hotdogs.jpg
Just hope you never see a "No Vacancy":
http://www.lilviv.com/entertainment/images/lodging.jpg
Why mens insurance is higher than womens"
http://www.lilviv.com/entertainment/images/manins01.jpg
Now...would you really have invested in this:
http://www.lilviv.com/entertainment/images/ms78cash.jpg
Count the black dots:
http://www.lilviv.com/entertainment/images/dotcount.jpg
The next big craze for kids and noisy tailpipes:
http://www.lilviv.com/entertainment/images/tailpipe.jpg

Rich old lady, decides to leave her money to a local hospital, but wants to make sure its a respectable place, so arranges a tour lead by the chief doctor.

While walking through the hals, she sees through an open a door, a man laying naked masterbating.
She gets upset, and demands an explanation from the doctor, for allowing that kind of conduct.
The doctor explains, the man has a rare disease, that causes a build up of semon, and if he doesnt take care of it 4 or 5 times a day, his testicals will explode. She goes ok, if theres a medical reason.
Little farther down, she looks in a room, and sees a nurse giving a man a BJ, she really hits the fan, and wants to know how the doctor explains that. Doctor says, "He has the same disease, just a better medical plan".

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want". Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked: "What is the matter ? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me ?"
The man said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

"Some engineers are trying to measure the height of a high pole. They try building a contraption by piling up unstable ladders, but after one of them gets hurt falling off of it, a technician comes, removes the pole, lays it on the ground and measures it. One of the engineers sneers at him: 'what an idiot, he didn't measure the height, he measured the length'..."

"Boring: See Engineers." — From the Yellow Pages.

"Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers ?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets."

"Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet." — Scott Adams.

Hey....you engineer or fellow computer geeks....check out this site:
http://www.gdargaud.net/Humor/Engineer.html

Wife: I have some good news and some bad news.
Husband: What's the good news?
Wife: The good news is I found a picture that's worth $500,000.
Husband: Wow! That's wonderful! What's the bad news?
Wife: The bad news is that the picture is of you and your secretary!

Three women all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the gym before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

Three Missionaries who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.

The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

ARF ARF ARF ARF!!!

It has been studied and determined that the most often used
sexual position for married couples is the doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls over and plays dead.

Airline Profitability and Security

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!
What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.
And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

What is the oldest profession?
A physician, an engineer, and a right-wing talk show host were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the right-wing talk show host spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

What happened to the gay King who was stranded on a desert island with his Court Jester?

It wasn't long before he was at his Wit's End.

Little Known Texas History Fact

On that fateful day, March 6, 1836, Davy Crockett woke up and walked from
his bunk on the floor of the Alamo up to the observation post on the west
wall.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were there already.

The three gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily towards them.

Davy turned to Bowie with a puzzled look on his face and said, " Jim, are we
landscaping today?"

Three cattle rustlers--a Mexican, a Californian, and an Oregonian--were sitting around the fire after a long day of driving cattle across the plains. The Mexican was happily taking draws from his bottle of Tequila, the Californian was sipping from a bottle of wine, and the Oregonian, who had already downed two beers, was now drinking his third bottle of locally micro-brewed ale.

As they sat quietly drinking their respective alchohols, the Mexican suddenly jumped up, threw the bottle of Tequila into the air, drew his six-shooter pistol, shot, and shattered the bottle in mid-air.

"What did you do that for?!" complained the Californian, "There was still at least half a bottle of perfectly good Tequila in there!"

"Don't worry," Said the Mexican, "We have plenty of that stuff where I come from."

The Mexican sat back down as his two companions thought this over. Then, no more than a moment later, the Californian suddenly jumped up, threw his bottle of nicely aged wine straight up, drew his 9-millimeter, shot, and shattered the bottle in mid-air.

"Are you loco?!" shouted the Mexican, "That was an expensive bottle of wine, and it was still half full!"

"No problem," said the Californian, "We have plenty of that where I come from."

As he sat down, his two companions thought this over. Then, suddenly, the Oregonian jumped up, chugged the remaining half of his micro-brewed ale, drew his shotgun and shot the Californian.

"Oye!" Exclaimed the Mexican. "What in the world did you shoot the Californian for?!"

"Simple," said the Oregonian, "We have plenty of them where I come from, and besides, there was no use putting a damn good beer to waste! Let's go..."

The Welfare Recipient

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says,

"Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare checks. I'd really rather
have a job."


The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur

and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.



You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your
clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.

You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.



The starting salary is $90,000 a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says , "You're Bullshittin' me!"
The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut
right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the
shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window
and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile
nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything
to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure
I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every
day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying
or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons
and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that
has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so.

I rear ended a car this morning...

I tell you, I knew then it was going to be a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started...

LOL.

That was a good one.

Fred Thompson and Hillary Clinton were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person.

The Republican, Fred Thompson, gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took $20 out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

Hillary was very impressed, so when they came to another homeless person, she decided to help.

She walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. She then reached into Thompson's pocket and got out $20. She kept $15 for her administrative fees and gave the homeless person $5.

Hey Herb....get your own material....I posted this on the More Political Humor thread already!!!!!

http://feedback.pdxradio.com/show.cgi?tpc=2186&post=196521#POST196521

Sorry. I couldn't remember if I got it in an e-mail or on the web.

But it was so good, I had to share it.

Herb

Sorry about the all caps. That's how it was sent to me.


HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?"

WELL.. YOU'LL LOVE THIS TALE FROM A WOMAN:

I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK- HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS NEARLY 40 YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, "IN 1968. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED, BALD, FAT, GRAY, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-B
ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"

A woman walks into a supermarket, and notices a male customer whose zipper is undone. The woman kindly says" excuse me sir, but your barracks doors are open".

Not having a clue what the woman was talking about he continued shopping. A few moments later another customer approached the man and explained that his zipper was undone. The man zipped up and continued his shopping. At the checkout he ran into the woman who originally informed him of his zipper.

He decides to play into her unusual comment; "excuse me maam, when you noticed my barracks door was open, did you happen to see a soldier standing at full attention?"

The woman responded by saying " no, all I saw was a disabled vet sitting on two duffle bags"

I run a private BBS for my far-flung family members to keep in touch with one another.

Here is a joke posted by my 10 year old nephew.
Cut and pasted exactly as he entered it:

A single man was stranded on an Island, and he really wanted someone to love. So, he found a monkey, and decided he would make out with it. But when he tried, the monkey ran away. After three days of chasing the monkey, he saw the most beautiful woman in the world drowning. He gallantly saved her, and she told him she would do anything to repay him back. They man said "Oh, that's wonderful!! Could you help me catch that damn monkey?"

The Ugly Baby

This woman on the train had an ugly baby. I know an ugly baby when I see one. And I only glimpsed it. This fellow enters the coach. He's half smashed. And he gets to the seat where the woman is with the baby ...

She heard him when he said to himself, "Damn!"

She said, "What are you looking at?"

The guy said, "I'm lookin' at that ugly baby. That's a bad-lookin' baby, lady ..."

The woman took this as an offence. She pulls the emergency cord, the train stops, and the conductor comes in. The lady says, "This man just insulted me ..."

The conductor says, "Now calm down, lady. The railroad will go to any extent to avoid having differences with the passengers. Perhaps it would be to your convenience if we were to rearrange your seating. And as a small compensation from the railroad, if you'll accompany me to the dining car, we'll give you a free meal. And maybe we'll find a banana for your monkey."

Breaking News!!!!!

This just in.....apparantly the toilet has been stolen from the portland police department. When asked about why they were not investigating it a police spokesman replied "Well there a two issues involved here, As for #1 Is We Are Really Backed Up And For #2 We Have Nothing To Go On"!

Bad Day

I rear-ended a car this morning.
I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car and wouldn't you know it!
He was a DWARF.
He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!
So I said, "well, then, which one ARE you?
That's how the fight started.


(apologies to any little people here)

Ummmm...Merkin.....you plagiarist!
Scroll back a few to one of Skybill's previous! Geeezz...get your own material would ya!

http://feedback.pdxradio.com/show.cgi?tpc=2186&post=196562#POST196562

I'm a doorknob, totally missed it, and I laughed my butt off, sorry Sky!

The Chinese Wedding Night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - Juss anyting you want. You juss ask...So... Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try
something I have heard about from de other gurls...A Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her . "So you want... Garlic Chicken with steam vegetable?"

Dear Abby:
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job five years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and talk with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Signed: Clueless


Dear Clueless:Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore. You're a United States Senator from New York. Act like one.

Uh, oh, Sky, you broke the rules of this thread. the last one was personal.

I did the same thing only I deleted and dumped mine in the more political humor thread!

I tried to find the political humor (now there is an oxymoron!) thread, but it was late and I just gave up looking for it!

Sorry. I'll accept 50 lashes with a wet noodle or 30 days in the electric chair!

I love my job. I get to go to a lot of oversea places... like Canada.

-Britney Spears

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Dumb people are just blissfully unaware of how dumb they really are.

-Patrick from Spongebob Squarepants

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Question to Contestant: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.

-Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

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Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

-Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

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The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.

-Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst

Alright,

Anyone who has 20 minutes to waste, you need to see these 6 pranks. They start off just ok, but they get better and better as time goes on.

http://www.collegehumor.com/tag:prank-war

British Response To Terrorism

Reports indicate that the English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'.

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to 'Irritated' or even 'A Bit Cross'.

Londoners have not been 'A Bit Cross' since 'the blitz' in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from 'Tiresome' to a 'Bloody Nuisance.'

The last time the British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance' warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

A couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So they walked in, and the Jamaican said, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in...Dey make you wild at sex."

The wife got really interested in buying the sandals, but the husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.The husband asked the shopkeeper, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon. You doan haff to do nutting cept try dem on." So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming,"You got dem on da wrong feet! Man, you got dem on da wrong feet!

Ohhhh....hit me with a Bat Tanya...put me out of my misery!

This gem arrived in my e-mail box from a friend:

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of acetaminophen. Aleve is also called naproxen. Amoxil is also called amoxicillin and Advil is also called ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafailin.

Pfizer announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

I heard that Ellen Degeneres died.

She was found face down in Ricky Lake!!

One thing I'll say about Ellen is that she dates hot women.

A father is passing along advice to his son who is about to get married. The father tells the son that on his wedding night he told his new wife to try on his pants. The young bride answered that she couldn't they were too big. The new husband said."thats right, I wear the pants in the family."

The father turned to his son and said,"We've had thirty five great years."

The son thought the advice was pretty good so on his wedding night told his bride to try on his pants. When his new bride said they were too big he answered, "that's right I wear the pants in this family." His new bride then asked her young husband to try on her pants. The man struggled and said " Honey, I can't get in your pants!" His new bride answered " and you won't until you change that attitude!!"

Note: This was told to me by one of my pastor friends.

Fast Forward to a few years later:

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
"What the Hell is this??" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"Honey," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"
She replied with a snicker:..
"It's not talcum powder...It's 'Miracle Grow'."

A woman was standing in front of her bathroom mirror and her husband was still laying in bed;

Wife: My butt is getting so big.
Husband: grunts uh huh.

Wife: My belly is getting saggy and fat.
Husband: grunts uh huh.

Wife: My breasts are sagging too.
Husband: grunts uh huh.

Wife: Can't you at least say something positive about me?
Husband: Your eye sight is 20/20........




He never heard the shot!

One day this proverb might come in useful..............

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful, elderly poodle named Cuddles along for company. *

One day Cuddles starts chasing butterflies, and before long, discovers he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his
direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the
bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious
leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard.

So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks,

"What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them
yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts... age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience.