This thread for political humor only! No argueing or bickering! If a joke makes you angry then you will just have to post a better one! This goes for "EVERYONE"
Don't make me "ANGRY". You won't like it if you make "HULK" angry!

Great bumper sticker that both Republicans and Democrats are putting on their vehicles.
It simply says:
"Run Hillary, Run"

The Democrats put it on the rear bumper while the Republicans are putting it on their front bumpers!LMAO on that one!

After numerous rounds of "We don't know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

George opened the letter which appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

George was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Carl Rove. Carl and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to Rumsfeld. No one could solve it at his office so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine
Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few seconds the Marines cabled back with this reply: "Tell George he's holding the message upside down."

Saw this on a greeting card...

Cheney to Bush:
Good news! 100 Brazilian troops will be joining the Coalition of the Willing.

Bush:
That's Great!!
How much is a Brazillion?

q: what what do you call a faux Bush?

a: president merkin

Mrs M. would love that one!

q: why do GOP shoppers pick paper bags over plastic bags?

a: because plastic tends to suffocate wearers.

Question:
How many members of the Bush administration does it take to change a light bulb?


Let's count shall we:

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed;

2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed;

3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb;

4. One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs;

5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Halliburton for the new light bulb;

6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor,standing on a step ladder under the banner: "Light Bulb Change Accomplished"

7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark;

8. One to viciously smear #7;

9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along;

10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.


10

LOL!!!

These are great guys. Keep 'em coming from both sides.

Love the Hillary one.

The only one that comes to mind is ...

What's the difference between George W. Bush and a bucket of s***??





The bucket.

you can say shit.

it woldnt make it any funnier but you can still say it.

Hillary Clinton was riding in her limousine through a rural area when an old cow loomed in front of the car. He swerved to avoid it but failed and the aged bovine was struck and killed.
She told him to go to the nearby farmhouse and explain to its owners what had happened while she sat in the car on her cell phone.
An hour later, her driver staggered back to the car, his clothes in disarray, a nearly-empty bottle of wine in one hand, a big Cuban cigar in his mouth, and a big smile on his lipstick-smeared face.
"What in the hell happened?" asked Hillary. He replied sheepishly, "The farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me for the past hour!"
"What? Why? My God, man, what did you tell them?" she asked.
He replied, "I just said 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow!' And the rest just happened!"

Skep, my fellow 'merkin,

That was a thing of beauty...my Mom completely busted up laughing, and I sent it to the rest of my Merkin-loving family as well!

The rest are all funny, too!

>>While trying to escape through Pakistan,
>>Osama Bin Laden found a Bottle
>>on a beach and picked it up.
>>
>>Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said
>>"Master, may I grant you one wish?"
>>
>>"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog!
>>Don't you know who I am?
>>I don't need any common woman giving me anything"
>>barked Bin Laden.
>>
>>The shocked genie said
>>"Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that
>>bottle forever."
>>
>>Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the
>>woman and said
>>"Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my
>>bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you!"
>>
>>The annoyed genie said,"So be it !"and disappeared.
>>
>>The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with
>>Lorena Bobbitt,Tonya Harding, andHillary Clinton.
>>
>>His penis was gone, his knees were broken,
>>and he had no health insurance.
>>
>>God is good!

An English farmer, Osama bin Laden, and an American engineer are walking
together one day. They come across an antique lamp and a genie pops out
of it. "I will give each of you one wish," says the genie.

The Englishman says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will
also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile." Pooooof!
With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land was forever made
fertile for farming.

An amazed Osama Bin Ladin declared, "I desire a wall around Afghanistan,
Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, most particularly Jews or Americans,
can enter our sacred Islamic states." Pooooof! Another blink and there
was a huge wall around those countries.

The American engineer says, "Before I make a wish, I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall."

The genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick,
and completely surrounds the three countries. Nothing can get in or out
-- it's virtually impenetrable."

Satisfied, the American replies, "Fill it with water."

Bush In Hell

One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got some folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.

I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first room.

In it was Ronald Reagan and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No, George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Richard Nixon with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Bush took this in disbelief and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Good one.

A poem from George W....in the classic Dr Suess style!

I'm the Decider

I'm the decider.
I pick and I choose.
I pick among whats.
And choose among whos.

And as I decide
Each particular day
The things I decide on
All turn out that way.

I decided on Freedom
For all of Iraq.
And now that we have it,
I'm not looking back.

I decided on tax cuts
That just help the wealthy.
And Medicare changes
That aren't really healthy.

And parklands and wetlands
Who needs all that stuff?
I decided that none
Would be more than enough!

I decided that schools
All in all are the best
The less that they teach
And the more that they test.

I decided those wages
You need to get by
Are much better spent
On some CEO guy.

I decided your Wade
Which was versing your Roe
Is terribly awful
And just has to go.

I decided that levees
Are not really needed.
Now when hurricanes come
They can come unimpeded.

That old Constitution?
Well, I have decided
As"just goddam paper"
It should be derided.

I've decided gay marriage
Is icky and weird.
Above all other things,
It's the one to be feared.

And Cheney and Rummy
And Condi all know
That I'm the Decider -
They tell me it's so.

I'm the Decider
So watch what you say
Or I may decide
To have you whisked away.

Or I'll tap your phones.
Your e-mail I'll read.
`cause I'm the Decider -
Like Jesus decreed.

Yes, I'm the Decider
The finest alive
And I'm nuking Iran.
Now watch this drive!

President Nixon, President Ford, President Clinton, a boy scout and a girl scout are on Air Force One travelling to an event in Europe. Suddenly, thousands of miles from land, all four engines fail. The plane is going down! Only two parachutes are available.

President Ford says, "I'm a former boy scout and I've lived a long life. Let's give the parachutes to the women and children."

President Nixon says, "Screw the women and children!"

President Clinton says, "Do we have time?. . ."

jokes about sex with children is never funny.

You could turn that last joke around and have it be Iraqi women and children and use DUHbya.....

Here is a great one considering what day it is......Hell even Wayner can relate with this one!!!LOL.........



Hillary Clinton Commemorative Stamp

The US Postal Service has issued a recall of a stamp they created with a picture of Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements while serving as the First Lady of our nation.

The problem was discovered when claims had been made that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes, and that mail which had been sent using the "Hillary" postage was not being delivered. Senator Clinton demanded a full investigation into the allegations.

A special Postal Service Investigation team was formed and after several months and many dollars spent, made the following findings:

*The stamp was manufactured properly.
*There was nothing wrong with the adhesive.
*People were just spitting on the wrong side

That must have been some dream because as anyone knows one has to be dead for 10 years to be eligible to be on a postage stamp. The exception is for a President.

I can see the caption on the stamp: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman miss Lewinski!"

That was lame, Wayne.

See....I told ya so.....Post Office and Political....gonna get him everytime!!!LOL

Hey Wayne...Got any good jokes you can post....surely you have some good post office humor!

If you cant say something nice about someone, your probably talking about Hillary Clinton.

Jeff Foxworthy

Hey....will ya look at this.....The Post office finally stepped up and is making special deliveries to Afghanistan....I'll be darned.....wadda ya know.....LOL

Sorry folks....no insurance on these packages....

http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/r/H/uspsdelivery.jpg

George needs a linguist.....LOL

Funny Bush and Gore Quotes from the 2000 US Election Campaign


"They misunderestimated me." —George W. Bush

"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program." —George W. Bush

"This is an impressive crowd. The haves and the have-mores. Some people call you the elite. I call you my base" —George W. Bush.

"That's a chapter, the last chapter of the 20th, 20th, the 21st century that most of us would rather forget. The last chapter of the 20th century. This is the first chapter of the 21st century." —George W. Bush, reflecting on the Lewinsky scandal.

"The idea of putting subliminable messages into ads is ridiculous." —George W. Bush

"You think if you get elected, Gore will try to take credit for it?" —Jay Leno to Bush

More Funny George Bush Quotes
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."


"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."


"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."


"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."


"Public speaking is very easy."


"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

Morality Test

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

You are in Florida, Miami to be specific.
There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of Biblical proportions.
You are photo journalist working for a major newspaper and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.
The situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot career making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.
Suddenly you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.
It's George W Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options- -you can save the life of President Bush, or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful men.

So here's the question, and please give an honest answer!









Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease.

This disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior.

The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim
(pronounced "gonna re-elect him.")

Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past 4 years, in spite of having taken measures to protect themselves from this especially troublesome disease.

Cognitive sequelae of individuals infected with Gonorrhea Lectim include, but are not limited to:

Anti-social personality disorder traits;

delusions of grandeur with a distinct messianic flavor;

chronic mangling of the English language;

extreme cognitive dissonance;

inability to incorporate new information;

pronounced xenophobia;

inability to accept responsibility for actions;

exceptional cowardice masked by acts of misplaced bravado;

uncontrolled facial smirking;

ignorance of geography and history;

tendencies toward creating evangelical theocracies;

and a strong propensity for categorical, all-or-nothing behavior.

The disease is sweeping Washington.

Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed and baffled that this malignant disease originated only a few years ago, from a Texas Bush.:-)

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

REVEREND HAGGARD
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrase like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
(I think I like this one best.)
Yes! The chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

I have automatically deducted $159.95 from your checking account for upgrade from eChicken1999.

Thank you. Again.

EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
What do you mean by chicken"?
Could you define "chicken" please?

GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, And there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

"Shagadelic Baby"

Here is some Post Office Humor...

Wayne it is not an attack just a joke. The post office part could just as easily fit any government agency....just a joke....

A guy goes to the Post Office to interview for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"

The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."

"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"

The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started."

The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"

"Well, here at the post office, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. Don't need you here for that!"

A lady bought a new BMW. The car cost a fortune and so she had high expectations of the accessories and equipment. Two days later, she brought it back to the garage, complaining that the radio was not working.
"Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this vehicle is state of the art, and completely automatic! All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and that is what it will play!"

She drove out if the garage - somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson." A crackly voice from within the audio system responded: "Ricky or Willie?".

The woman was astonished. If she asked for Beethoven, the stereo played Beethoven. If she asked for Nat King Cole, she got it.
A couple of months later the woman was waiting at a traffic light enjoying "On The Road Again". The light turned green and she pulled out, only to see an enormous 4x4 vehicle coming from the street she was crossing speeding toward her. The vehicle was obviously not paying attention to the light.

The lady swerved and narrowly missed a collision.

"Idiot!" she yelled.

And, from the radio, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."

A little boy went to his dad and asked, "What is politics?"

The Dad thought for a while, and then said, "Well son, let me try to explain it like this. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so you could call me Capitalism. Now think about your mum - she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. No your mum and I, we're here to take care of your needs, so we'll consider you to be the people. Nanny works very hard, so we'll call her the Working Class. And lastly, your baby brother - let's call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense!"

So the little boy went off to bed and spent all evening thinking about what his dad had told him.

Later that night, the boy heard his baby brother crying, so he got up to check on him. He found that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy went into his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he went instead to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looked through the keyhole and to his surprise saw his father in bed with the nanny. He gave up trying to wake anyone and went back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy said to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father replied, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy said, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo."

George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy." So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One boy stood up and said, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A girl raised her hand and said, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a
tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," the President said. "That's what we would call a Great Loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy."

"That's right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" asked the President.

"Well," Johnny said, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a Great Loss..."

President Clinton returned from holiday in Arkansas. He walked down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms.

As he reached the bottom of the steps, the honor guardsman stepped forward and remarked, "Nice pigs, Mr. President".

The President replied, "I'll have to let you know that these are genuine Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary.. So, now what do you think?"

The guardsman answered..."Nice trade, Sir."

And the hits just keep on a rollin......"Ya Baby"

By Joamon4sure on Tuesday, November 07, 2006 - 1:44 pm:
See....I told ya so.....Post Office and Political....gonna get him everytime!!!LOL

Hey Wayne...Got any good jokes you can post....surely you have some good post office humor!


How about this? With all of the computer equipment the post office has now your letter can get lost in less than half the time!

Mrs M: Why did the chicken cross the road? He wanted to show the possoms how to do it.
You never know there may be people who never heard that before

If you want to know the truth Jo I am a bit sceptical about posting jokes here because the secular left doesn't think anything is funny that isn't politically motivated. I just know they will find some way to smear my humor.

I won't.....humor is humor.....everything is fair!!!! Take no prisoners...just keep it clean (well somewhat) and no personal attacks!

Hmmm. I might be mistaken, but I thought the thread title was "Political Jokes"

Just don't take sides....tell some both both sides....then you wont be slammed for only hammering one side. Once in a while admit that the other side is not completely all bad...some of your posts are such doom and gloom it's either this way or that.....there can be middle ground if you try and look for it. No side on any issue is better than the other...just different...like government...they both have plus and minus to them...not all plus and all minus. Everyone just needs to lighten up on each other a wee bit in here...that is why I started this thread....to offer some humor to break up the routine.

Have a Good One....

BTW....did you like the post office afghan bomber??? It's about mid thread were the link is.

>>>"This thread for political humor only!"

>>>"I won't.....humor is humor.....everything is fair!!!!"


Which is it?

Hey...it's a start.....

A Republican and Democrat are in the congressional cafeteria. The Republican starts in with "You Democrats know nothing about God. The Democrat rebuttles saying.."Yes we do know about God" The Republican comes back and states: "I bet you $20 you don't even know the Lords Prayer"...the Dem responds "I certainly do...it goes...'now I lay me down to sleep...'"...the Republican reaches into his pocket and with a sense of shock offers it the Democrat saying "I guess I was wrong you do know it"

Okay so I messed up the punch line slightly. The Republican reaches into his pocket and pulls out a 20 dollar bill...then says "I guess you do know it"

Dang--It's all in the delivery.

An English farmer, Osama bin Laden, and President Bush are walking
together one day. They come across an antique lamp and a genie pops out
of it. "I will give each of you one wish," says the genie.

The Englishman says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will
also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile." Pooooof!
With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land was forever made
fertile for farming.

An amazed Osama Bin Ladin declared, "I desire a wall around Afghanistan,
Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, most particularly Jews or Americans,
can enter our sacred Islamic states." Pooooof! Another blink and there
was a huge wall around those countries.

The President Bush says, "Before I make a wish, I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall."

The genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick,
and completely surrounds the three countries. Nothing can get in or out
-- it's virtually impenetrable."

Satisfied, the President replies, "Fill it with water."

How our current president would say that:

Now I leigh..lai...le..ley...lay me down to sleep....

By Deane_johnson on Tuesday, November 07, 2006 - 2:59 pm:
>>>"This thread for political humor only!"

>>>"I won't.....humor is humor.....everything is fair!!!!"


Which is it?


I will take the President Bush defense on that one...

GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.


It should be kept political as the thread states but if Wayne wants to try to lighten up a little then I will cut him a little slack!!! Might be a good start to some compromise in here!!!

By Chris_taylor on Tuesday, November 07, 2006 - 3:02 pm:
Okay so I messed up the punch line slightly. The Republican reaches into his pocket and pulls out a 20 dollar bill...then says "I guess you do know it"

Dang--It's all in the delivery.


at least you can tell a joke better than Kerry!

There once was a man from Nantuckit....

Not really a political joke, but says a lot about our culture today...

A group marriage counseler is addressing a large group of couples. He decides to ask all the males who feel dominated by their wives to form one line. Then he asks all the males who do not feel dominated by their wives to form another line.

To his surprise, the counseler notices that almost all the men file into the line where they feel dominated by their wives. In fact, only one lone male forms in the line where he doesn't feel dominated.

The counseler can't help himself...he goes over and asks the sole male in this line why he is the only one in the line. His response: "My wife told me to stand here."

Question: How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to change a light bulb?

Answer: TEN

1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed.
2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs to be changed.
3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb.
4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for eternal darkness.
5. One to give a billion dollar, no-bid contract to Halliburton for a new light bulb.
6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step-ladder under the banner "Bulb Change Accomplished."
7. One administration insider to resign and in detail reveal how Bush was literally "in the dark" the whole time.
8. One to viciously smear #7.
9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush has had a strong light bulb-changing policy all along.
10. And finally, one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country. ...

And after all is said and done, no one will notice that they never actually managed to change the light bulb.

As a matter of fact they did not even notice that it was not burnt out at all.....just needed to turn on the wall switch....overthinking the wheel again......!!!LOL

OMG.....this is hilarious!!!!



An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun

in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.

He says to the waiter:



"Want coffee."


The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."



He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,

turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,

causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere

and then just walks out.





The next morning the Indian returns.

He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling

another male buffalo with the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to

the waiter





"Want coffee."






The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!



We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.


What was all that about, anyway?"



The Indian smiles and proudly says ..



"Training for position in a United States ALL DEMOCRATIC Congress:

Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,

leave mess for others to clean up,

disappear for rest of day.

In honor of the end of the Hot Stove season, and to celebrate the arrival of pitchers and catchers in camp in two weeks, here is an examination of where our national pastime and theology meet. Be forewarned, it picks on almost everyone.

RELIGION AND BASEBALL:

BORN AGAINS sneak drinks in the luxury box, pass out in the fifth inning, wake up after it's all over, then nod and smile whenever anyone discusses the finish.

MORMONS manage from the bench while the wives play each other.

AGNOSTICS are skeptical about the possibility of sport.

CATHOLICS haven't won a pennant since the deadball era, but they do have the oldest stadiums, the deepest farm system and wear the nicest uniforms.

FOURSQUARE doesn't really grasp the game.

TENT REVIVALISTS come in hard with spikes, throw endless fireballs and steal the plate.

JUDAISM takes Saturday games off, feels guilty and wonders if it is enough.

CHURCH OF GOD IN CHRIST have home crowds that rattle the rafters.

FRIENDS bring enough gloves for everybody to play.

PRESBYTERIANS debate the merits of various changes to the game over the years and resign themselves to adjusting.

NATIVE AMERICANS hate the new stadium in Boston.

WICCANS play Cricket.

DRUIDS play Rounders.

BUDDHISTS find every aspect holy and hold the rituals and tradition in the highest esteem.

HARE KRSHNAS can't buy a win.

MUSLIMS don't spit, swear, smoke, steal, slide or snack during the playoffs.

CALVINISTS believe the game is fixed.

LUTHERANS believe they can't win, but trust the scorekeeper.

QUAKERS don't hit except when they absolutely must.

UNITARIANS can catch anything.

AMISH walk a lot.

PAGANS sacrifice.

JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES are thrown out, at home, and often.

TELEVANGELISTS are well paid, crafty and wicked with their pitches.

METHODISTS practice alot and adhere to the system whether it wins them ballgames or not.

EPISCOPALIANS pass the plate.

FUNDAMENTALISTS balk, argue the call, get tossed, refuse to leave on moral grounds and curse the crowd for booing.

ADVENTISTS do absolutely nothing for the entire seventh-inning stretch.

ATHEISTS refuse to have an Umpire.

BAPTISTS want to play hardball every day.

BLACK BAPTISTS know the value of teamwork, dedication to a goal and continuing a long hard struggle through the power of faith and determination.

BLACK SOUTHERN BAPTISTS know the value of teamwork, dedication to a goal and continuing a long hard struggle through the power of faith, determination and incredibly inspirational fight songs.

WHITE SOUTHERN BAPTISTS burn other stadiums down, then feign horror and disbelief when questioned about it.

MOONIES love expansion teams and hate the salary cap.

EVANGELICALS skim through the rulebook, reinterpret every page to suit themselves, openly discuss the possibility of disappearing from the game at any given moment and loudly claim to have never commited an error.

CHRISTIAN SCIENTISTS won't go to the training staff when they get hurt.

HINDUS know the other team will get what is coming to them eventually.

SCIENTOGOLISTS hit the ball, run to third, truly and deeply believe that they are right and will tell anyone who will listen.

RADICAL ISLAM fears the owner, fears the manager and blows up on the road.

DUByah going into the movie BIZ after he is done. Take a look at his movie promo posters:
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blbushgulfwars2.htm

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blbushdarthwbush.htm

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/images/blbushrevengetwit.htm

And so on...just hit the next button above the image....these are great!

A woman named Jill stood up at her church's "Testimony Meeting" one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the congregation:

"I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his bike, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats. "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need, worst of all, we can no longer cuddle and have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in, and the men in the congregation were visibly shaken up with the thought that, "there but for the grace of God go I."

Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in the midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation:

"My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is:

STERNUM!"

AS A WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?"

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR.

UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

THE HUSBAND REPLIED: "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW."

Wouldn't that be his Grandson?

By the way.....EEEwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!

ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the helicopter in front of the White House, he was
Carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs.

I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says,

"Excellent trade, sir."

Here's why most men are Republicans;

http://boortz.com/more/funny/republican_women.html

Right Guard announced a new product today:

"Dope on a Rope"

A soap replica of George W's Head on a rope. Now everyone can show how they feel about George W. and rub their butt in his face! LOL

This has probably been posted but here it is anyway:

A man walked into a very high-tech bar.  As he sat down on a stool he
noticed that the bartender was a robot.   The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have".
The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please".
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had
ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ"?   The man answered "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, interstellar
space travel, the latest medical break-through's, etc.
The man was most impressed.  He left the bar but thought he would try a
different tact.  He returned and took a seat.  Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have?   "A martini please".  Again it was superb.  The robot again asked. "What is your  IQ sir"?   This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".   The robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time.  He left, returned and took a
stool. Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ"?   This time the man drawled out, "Uh... about 50".
The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e......... y-o-u-r......... p-e-o-p-l-e..........
g-o-i-n-g...........t-o........ n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e..........
H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?????"

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people
of the nation's capital. He motioned for one of his aides to come near. "Yes father" said the aide. "I would really like to see Ted Kennedy and Hillary Clinton before I die", whispered the priest. "I'll see what I can do, father", replied the aide.

The aide sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response. Soon the
word arrived. Kennedy and Clinton would be delighted to visit the priest.

As they went to the hospital, Clinton commented to Kennedy, "I don't know why
the old priest wants to see us, but it will certainly help our images after the number the Republicans have done on us" Kennedy couldn't help but agree.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Kennedy's hand in his right
hand and Clinton's hand in his left. There was silence, and a look of serenity
on the old priest's face.

Finally Senator Kennedy spoke "Father, of all the people you could have chosen; why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied "I have always tried to pattern my life after our
Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."

"Amen" said Kennedy. "Amen" said Clinton.

The old priest continued, "He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

Can I get an AMEN ???

Amen, Amen and Amen!

Ted Kennedy's new campaign slogan; "A Blond in Every Pond"

Did you hear that Ted Kennedy started a new Law Firm? It's called Dickem and Dunkem.

Ted Kennedy's least favorite song; Bridge Over Troubled Waters.

Why the idiots in Mass-a-two-shits keep electing him is beyond me.

A plane is about to crash. There are 5 passengers on board, but there are only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger says:
I am Ronaldo the best football player in the world. The football world needs me and I cannot die on my fans.
He grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says:
I am the wife of the former President of the United States, I am a senator of New York State and I have a good chance of being President of the United States in the future.
She grabs the second parachute and jumps out of the plane.

The third passenger, George W. Busch, says:
I am the President of the United States of America. I have huge responsibilities in the world. Besides, I am the smartest president in the history of my country and can’t shun the responsibility to my people by dying.
He grabs a pack and jumps out of the plane.

The fourth passenger, The Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a young school boy:
I am old. I have lived my life as a good person as a priest should so I shall leave the last parachute to you; you have the rest of your life ahead of you.

To this the little boy says:
Don’t fret old man; there is a parachute for each of us! The smartest President of America took my school backpack!


** PLONK **

Is it my imagination or are a bunch of jokes missing or deleted here? Not that I care, I just wonder if I'm going crazy.

Not sure that it is strictly political, but since the battle between the sexes is probably the first political battle of our species, here goes:

Two jilted lovers ran out to their cars after the breakup and sped away into the night. It was foggy, hard to navigate and the tears of rage only made it worse.

The woman, dumped by her cheating boyfriend went flying down a hilly winding road to town for a drink and some solace with her friends.

The man, insulted and belittled before his departure, went flying up the same road to be in nature and find some time alone.

The woman, narrowly missed hitting a hog that had wandered away from a farmer's field. Seeing two headlights approaching, she rolled down her window to warn the motorist.

As the man passed her, she screamed, "PIG!"

The man whipped around in his seat, screamed, "BITCH!" and flipped her off.

He spun back and looked out the front windshield just in time to see the hog fly up over his hood and into his lap.

Merkin....Crazy....YOU!!! HA

Anyway this is just the political one I started way back when. If you look you will find a free humor thread where a lot of other jokes are located. Maybe that is what you are thinking of....Crazy.....most likely!! But crazy beats safe and boring by tons though!

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide.

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock 40 cal , and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1 ?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Redneck's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click....
(sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click ...

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips
or Hollow Points?"

Son: "You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?"

Wife: "You are not taking that to the taxidermist !!! ...

I have a wife? And another baby? Wow!

Subject: Lie Clocks

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."

"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.

"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Edit add:
Now that's funny I don't care who ya iz.

Here is a link to a funny bit.
http://www.dailykos.com/story/2007/3/14/202517/398

Some quotes;

I especially like #7, #15, #17 and #22!!!

1. "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
Mark Twain

2. "We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
Winston Churchill

3. "Can a government which robs Peter to pay Paul always depend on the support of Paul?"
George Bernard Shaw

4. "A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money."
G. Gordon Liddy

5. "Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner."
James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

6. "Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries."
Douglas Casey, Classmate of W.J. Clinton at Georgetown(1992)

7. "Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys."
P.J.O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

8. "Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else."
Frederic Bastiat, French Economist(1801-1850)

9. "Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."
Ronald Reagan (1986)

10. "I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."
Will Rogers

11. "If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free."
P.J.O'Rourke

12. "If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal. If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative. If you want government to intervene everywhere, you're a moderate. If you don't want government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist."
Joseph Sobran, Editor of the National Review (1995)

13. "In general, the art of government consists in taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other."
Voltaire (1764)

14. "Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you."
Pericles (430 B.C.)

15. "No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session."
Mark Twain (1866)

16. "Talk is cheap - except when Congress does it."
(Unknown)

17. "The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other."
Ronald Reagan

18. "The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery."
Winston Churchill

19. "The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."
Mark Twain

20. "The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools."
Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903).

21. "There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress."
Mark Twain

22. "What this country needs are more unemployed politicians."
Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995).

I dug this thread up rather than start a new one.

Someone sent this to me in an email today.

I'm not real sure what a "Maineiac" is! A whacko from Maine?

For your enjoyment (or not!)

-------------------------------------------------

This may be more apocryphal than authentic but it surely reflects real frustrations GWB must have.

We all have our disagreements with President Bush. Immigration, U.S. Attorney firings, Iraq, Darfur, etc. are all hot topics these days. The following "speech" was written yesterday by an ordinary Maineiac. While satirical in nature, all satire must have a basis in fact to be effective. An excellent piece by a person who does not write for a living. Sent with the author's permission.

The speech George W. Bush SHOULD give:

Normally, I start these things out by saying "My Fellow Americans." Not doing it this time. If the polls are any indication, I don't know who more than half of you are anymore. I do know something terrible has happened, and that you're really not fellow Americans any longer.

I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit.

Now before anyone gets all in a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment, or to avoid prosecution or something, let me assure you: there's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in this office.

The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with you people.

I'm fed up because you have no understanding of what's really going on in the world. Or of what's going on in this once-great nation of ours. And the majority of you are too damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out.

Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of goods by politicians and the news media. Polls show that the majority of you think the economy is in the tank. And that's despite record numbers of homeowners including record numbers of MINORITY homeowners. And while we're mentioning minorities, I'll point out that minority business ownership is at an all-time high. Our unemployment rate is as low as it ever was during the Clinton Administration. I've mentioned all those things before, but it doesn't seem to have sunk in.

Despite the shock to our economy of 9/11, the stock market has rebounded to record levels and more Americans than ever are participating in these markets. Meanwhile, all you can do is whine about gas prices, and most of you are too damn stupid to realize that gas prices are high because there's increased demand in other parts of the world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots are more worried about polar bears and beachfront property than your economic security.

We face real threats in the world. Don't give me this "blood for oil" thing. If I was trading blood for oil I would've already seized Iraq's oil fields and let the rest of the country go to hell. And don't give me this 'Bush Lied People Died' crap either. If I was the liar you morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical weapons planted in Iraq so they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I owned up to the fact that the intelligence was faulty. Let me remind you that the rest of the world thought Saddam had the goods, same as me. Let me also remind you that regime change in Iraq was official US policy before I came into office. Some guy named 'Clinton' established that policy. Bet you didn't know that, did you?

You idiots need to understand that we face a unique enemy. Back during the cold war, there were two major competing political and economic models squaring off. We won that war, but we did so because fundamentally, the Communists wanted to survive, just as we do. We were simply able to outspend and out-tech them.

That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our new enemy don't care if they survive. In fact, they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they weren't also committed to taking as many of you with them as they can. But they are. They want to kill you. And the bastards are all over the globe.

You should be grateful that they haven't gotten any more of us here in the United States since September 11. But you're not. That's because you've got no idea how hard a small number of intelligence, military, law enforcement and homeland security people have worked to make sure of that. When this whole mess started, I warned you that this would be a long and difficult fight. I'm disappointed how many of you people think a long and difficult fight amounts to a single season of 'Survivor'. Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable of seeing things through the long lens of history, the way our enemies do. You think that wars should last a few months, a few years, tops.

Making matters worse, you actively support those who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New York Times, every time you send a donation to a cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well, dammit, you might just as well Fedex a grenade launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same thing.

In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the truth. It's all over the Internet. It just isn't on the pages of the New York Times or on NBC News. But even if it were, I doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of you would rather watch American Idol.

I could say more about your expectations that the government will always be there to bail you out, even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's below sea level and has a hurricane approaching. I could say more about your insane belief that government, not your own wallet, is where the money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion that were I to do so, it would sail right over your heads.

So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore could only dream) and the capability to be fully self-sufficient. No one ever heard of Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as I'm done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old age before the last pillars of America fall.

Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting too. That means the smiling, vacuous nitwit Pelosi is your new President. You asked for it. Watch what she does carefully, because I still have a glimmer of hope that there're just enough of you remaining who are smart enough to turn this thing around in 2008.

So that's it. God bless what's left of America. Some of you know what I mean. The rest of you, * off.

He'll need to start using a speechwriter. But hey - great. I'm in.

**The Ant and the Grasshopper: 2 Scenarios**

*OLD VERSION*
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

************************************************************

*MODERN VERSION:*

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why t he ant should be warm and well fed while others are
cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, FOX and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, "its Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote!

CANNIBAL RESTAURANT

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00

Fried Explorer: $15.00

Grilled Republican: $20.00

Baked Democrat: $100.00


The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Democrat?

The cook replied,"Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of crap, it takes all morning."

No, a grilled Republican would only cost 50 cents, because there is never any meat in their arguments, leaving everyone to ask "Where's the beef."

http://www.dailymotion.com/relevance/search/bob%2Bhope/video/x1dxm4_greatestmovi elineever

NEW BUMPER STICKERS FOR '07

1. Bush: End of an Error

2. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

3. Let's Fix Democracy in this Country First

4. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran

5. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

6. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

7. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant

8. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

9. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

10. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore

11. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance

12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

13. Whose God Do You Kill For?

14. Jail to the Chief

15. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?

16. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap

17. Bad President! No Banana.

18. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

19. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

20. Is It Vietnam Yet?

21. Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either

22. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

23. You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.

24. Dubya, Your Dad Shoulda Pulled Out, Too

25. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

26. Pray For Impeachment

27. The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

28. What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?

29. One Nation Under Clod

30.
2004: Embarrassed
2005: Horrified
2006: Terrified

31. Bush Never Exhaled

32. At Least Nixon Resigned

Nice list!!

#29 Is sweet!

W was trying to spell W the other day and had to have the secret service dude look it up in the dictionary for him!

I'd put #10 on my car, my mom likes #24!

http://hapfairy.tripod.com/ndt.html

Home of the New Dork Times: we bring you such headlines as "Bush declares war on self" and "Man revealed to be coathanger with extra penguins."


THE NEW DORK TIMES

THE TIMES OF YOUR LIFE


BUSH DECLARES WAR ON SELF


"I HAD IT COMING" SAYS PRESIDENT

Yes, this is what it has finally come to.

After fighting against Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Bosnia, Uzbekistan, Syria, Germany, Algeria, Tunisia, Czechslovakia, Poland, Iceland, Antarctica, Canada, The Trekkie Society and America's Fishmongers United; George W. has now turned on himself in the war against terrorism.

"I am dangerous, and I need to be stopped. If we send in the weapons inspectors, I am 100% sure that they will find me in possesion of illegal weapons of mass destruction in the near future."

When asked why he had decided that he was indeed a terrorist, Bush replied:

"Well, it's obvious. I have killed loads of people, therefore I am a terrorist. I must be destroyed - someone has to foil this regime, and that someone is America. I consider my brains, or lack of them, to be an extremely dangerous weapon of mass dest... de... damaging stuff."

Unfortunately for Bush, no-one has shown any disagreement so far.

President Bush is now plotting to blow up the Whitehouse, with himself and everyone else inside.

"This is a top secret plan, and I will not know about it until it's too late. I will be blown to pieces in an explosion the size of Texas. Ha! I don't stand a chance against myself! I am so great."

Members of the Whitehouse have been retiring at an astonishing rate, meaning that now Bush is the only member of the senate, not to mention that all his staff have reported sick for the twentieth of January, the day the attack is scheduled. Bush's wife and kids have run away to New Zealand. Bush comments:

"America, listen to me. I can't do this on my own. Luckily, my two invisible friends, Nigel P and Angelica have agreed to assist me in annihilating myself. But I will succeed!"

No news is available as yet on whether or not George Bush really is going to blow himself up or not, because nobody really cares. However, Tony Blair is joining in on the attack and has declared himself a terrorist as well. Unfortunately for Blair, no-one cares about him either. Oh well.


In other news soon to follow: Dale Winton Could Be Messiah, Man Revealed To Be Coathanger With Extra Penguins and Elvis Found To Be Alive and Female.


Please comment on this news, we welcome all comments from giant sock-eating monkeys.